


Loyalties

by gracezodiac



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Armitage Hux Has Issues, Blow Jobs, Codependency, Dissociation, Drunk Hux, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, Established Relationship, Future Fic, Hand Jobs, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Redemption, Kylo Ren and Rey Are Related, Kylux Minifest, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Making Out, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-20
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-08-10 00:08:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 32,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7822585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracezodiac/pseuds/gracezodiac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>General Armitage Hux of the First Order was killed in action in the year 40 ABY, during the battle of Sullust.</p><p>Or so the galaxy thought.</p><p>Ren had confirmed the kill himself. Nobody had questioned it, and why should they? There was no body, but Ren had delivered his tags and that was proof enough for his mother. The First Order was defeated. Snoke was dead. Everything was how it should be.</p><p>But Ren knew better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> it's here! it's finally here! this is my kylux minifest fill for [ottenebrare](http://www.ottenebrare.tumblr.com) who requested something set way before or way after the events of tfa, so i went with way after!! 
> 
> i do have to apologise though as it's not actually completed yet... as per usual i started writing it and it's ended up being way bigger than i anticipated. but i do have three chapters here, so here we go!!
> 
> a huge thank you to icarus who has been my "friendly neighbourhood trial beta" who has encouraged me to keep going with this even when i was really struggling. and for also telling me to fuck off when i sent him really angsty sections
> 
> and of course, thank you to [mak](http://www.bygoneboy.tumblr.com) for organising this and being really helpful!
> 
> i'm super nervous about posting this because i've never written anything like this before (if my tenses are all over the place i apologise i changed them about fifty times before deciding on which to use)
> 
> before i forget: my two main inspos for this fic are ceasefire (the cwu series is the most beautiful thing i have ever read) and also a beautiful fic called 'In a Place Where No One Appeared' it's gorgeous, please check it out!
> 
> warnings for this chapter: mentions of weight loss, a fuck ton of angst, and i think that's about it for this chapter? if i've missed anything let me know
> 
> i hope you enjoy!

 

Hyperspace always reminded him of his father. No matter how much Ren tried to repress it, the memory of a small boy, bright eyed and curious, sitting in his fathers lap as he experienced his first trip through space was always present in the back of his mind whenever he made the jump and saw the bright white and blues of the stars streaming past him.

 

Ren sighed and tried to shake the memory away, flicking the autopilot switch and leaning back in his chair. The trip to Illam would take approximately ten hours, being as far out in the Outer Rim as it was. There was a lot of time to kill. He was tempted to meditate to try ease the journey, but he was already so unfocused, thinking about his destination and what laid in store for him once he arrived there.

 

General Armitage Hux of the First Order was killed in action in the year 40 ABY, during the battle of Sullust.

 

Or so the galaxy thought.

 

Ren had confirmed the kill himself. Nobody had questioned it, and why should they? There was no body, but Ren had delivered his tags and that was proof enough for his mother. The First Order was defeated. Snoke was dead. Everything was how it should be.

 

But Ren knew better.

 

*

 

“ _Ben sweetheart, are you sure you'll be okay?”_  
  
Ren sighs, placing his bag on the floor. “Mom we've been over this. I've made trips like this before, it's fine.”

 

“ _I know, it's just...”_

 

_She doesn't need to say it. He knows. Everyone thinks if they take their eyes off him for one moment he'll go back to being Kylo Ren. Even her. It hurts him, knowing that Leia didn't trust him in the beginning, and still can't even now despite him returning to the Light._

 

_Her lack of trust made him angry in the past. Now it just makes him feel numb._

 

_He deserves this._

 

“ _I'll be fine. And no, Rey is not coming with me. She's got plans. And I need to be by myself. That's the whole point of trying to connect further with the Force.”_

 

“ _You'll make sure to keep in touch?”_

 

“ _Yes, like always.”_

 

_Ren catches her gaze for a moment. Even if he couldn't hear it from her feedback, her eyes give her worry. In hindsight, he should have used a better excuse than 'honing his meditation techniques'. It's not the best one he's come up with._

 

_Before she can voice any further concerns, Rey was jogging over to them with Luke following steadily behind her. She eyes his packed bags and folds her arms over her chest. “You're going now then?”_

 

_He nods, although somewhat distracted by a familiar sense of claustrophobia creeping up on him. He hates it when they did this, corner him in like some sort of animal. Luke always stared at him as if he knew what he was doing, but that was impossible – Ren spent years learning to mask his thoughts, and besides; if Luke knew what he was doing, he wouldn't be letting him leave._

 

“ _I hope you find what you're looking for.” Rey offers, giving him a small smile. “Stay safe.”_

 

_All he could do was nod again, guilt flaring at the thought that even after everything, she still offered him some kindness. He picks up his bags to try speed along their goodbyes, suddenly needing to get away from them._

 

“ _May the force be with you.” Luke speaks up, sounding genuine. Ren wonders if he really is._

 

_He repeats the phrase back, whilst Leia comes up and kisses his cheek._

 

“ _Take care sweetheart.”_

 

_He climbs up the shuttle ramp and hopes that no one notices how quick he is to take off._

 

_*_

 

As he thought back to the conversation he could feel more guilt well up within him. He hated lying to them, he knew he was betraying them by doing this. And yet there was no way he was going to stop making these visits, not when they were the only thing to keep him sane. Truly, he was surprised they kept letting him go; it's not exactly a secret that there's a rift between him and his family.

 

He huffed. A gorge would be more accurate.

 

They weren't the only people that were disappointed in him. Hux wasn't going to be particularly pleased to see him either. It had been roughly nine standard months since his last visit, leaving with the promise of coming back as soon as possible.

 

Truthfully he hadn't meant to be away for so long, but when he was about to try sneak away, he'd been sent on a mission with Rey to heal a small village on a planet in the Corellian system. It was the first mission they'd sent him on that had any importance – up until that point he'd been stuck doing training with Luke, or kept at home to help fix various ships. Nobody trusted him with anything else.

 

Which meant that it was a test. He knew it was, he knew Rey was there to keep an eye on him and report back once they'd returned. He wasn't a fool, he knew they were doing this deliberately to see if he could follow orders and be useful to the rest of the galaxy. His occasional solitary trips were allowed mainly because Leia felt guilty for him being trapped there, and also because the excuses he made implied that he wasn't going to be around lots of people. This was a test to see if he could be trusted around other people again.

 

However the mission had taken a lot longer than expected. Using the force to heal the villagers had been simple enough, but there were more of them than expected, and the disease had been spreading fast. It took four months to find the source of infection, by which point there'd been several deaths; people they couldn't heal in time, who were too far gone.

 

It had been exhausting. And he and Rey had been quarantined the moment they arrived back, which ruined all chances of him departing quickly for another trip. But at long last he'd finally been allowed, and here he was, returning to Hux once more.

 

With not much else to do, Ren doubled checked the coordinates on the navi-computer before heading to the small quarters on the shuttle, settling down and getting into his meditative pose; he could at least _try_ to focus himself and enter a calm state before arriving.

 

*

 

Much to his surprise, he'd slipped into a trance quicker easier than he'd anticipated, and whilst he was still feeling incredibly nervous, he allowed it to be pushed to the back of his mind so he could focus on piloting the final stretch of the journey. Moments after he came out of meditation the navi-computer began steadily beeping to signal their near arrival to their destination.

 

Illam was a small planet, unimpressive in most aspects. It's terrain mostly consisted of grassland and woods, but it did have an sea that made up about thirty percent of the planet. It was habitable – it's population had enough ore and materials to sustain themselves, but the size of it meant it had been overlooked by both Empire and Republic alike over the years. It wasn't a planet they could have turned to for resources (or soldiers), and because of that it remained peaceful and unacknowledged, safely tucked away in the edge of the Outer Rim.

 

Few were aware of it's existence. It's location had come to Ren whilst he was carrying an unconscious Hux to his shuttle in the midst of a panic attack. The name echoed in his head and he followed it, trying not to think too hard about the implications of what he was doing in that moment. In his betrayal.

 

_Don't think about that._

 

There's no space-port built, since the planet was so hidden away, which had turned out to be somewhat of a blessing. It allowed him to land just outside of where Hux was residing without alerting any sort of authority, and made sure that if Leia, Luke or Rey tried find him, he wasn't officially logged anywhere.

 

Although, Ren mused, even if there was an authority looking out for anything suspicious, they wouldn't count for much. He's unlikely to be spotted, since Hux lives far enough away from the small town that people wouldn't spot the shuttle landing. That and and Ren always made sure to mask it on the descent.

 

When he landed the shuttle, it's in a small clearing near the edge of some woods. He left his bag behind and resigned to come back at get it later – for now he just wanted to see Hux as soon as possible. From where the shuttle is stationed, it only took a half minute to reach the fields that lay beyond the edge of the woods. The grass there was a rich dark green, although vaguely translucent, which made it glow when the sun came out to shine on it. Looking to either side of him, he could see how the woods stretch out for miles, curving around the fields. It's an incredibly quiet planet, which Ren finds peace in. When he was Ben Solo, he was surrounded by people on Coruscant, which was a bustling planet in itself. And of course the Finalizer was never quiet, with the hoards of troopers and officers, not to mention the constant thrum of the hyper-drive and ion engines.

 

There was a small civilization to be had on Illam, despite everything, although it was all situated much further out from where Hux lived – it took him an hours walk to get to the closest town, which was near the sea where the markets were. The lack of industrial presence kept the population small, and they all tended to huddle together the in the same areas, where they could buy and exchange things for food to make a living.

 

The house where Hux lived rested at the top of the field Ren was stood in, up away from the woods. From his position, Ren could see the small garden that lies out the back, surrounded by a small picket fence, featuring significantly more crops present then when he last visited; Hux had been busy.

 

The house itself was a fairly average looking building. It's exterior seemed old, but the inside was pleasant enough. It had two stories, with plenty of windows looking out across the surrounding land. Hux had pointed out once that it was like the summer houses on Arkanis, although far less grand. A faded white colour, it stood out amongst the various greens that surrounded it, but it drew little attention to itself.

 

Behind the house there was an a cobbled wall, crumbling and old, outlining a gravel path which Ren saw the edge of as he walked further up the field. The path itself never saw much use other than the trips Hux made into town. Nobody ever came out to these parts, as there was little to be harvested from areas like this.

 

The house itself had been abandoned when Ren had first discovered it. Upon further investigation, questioning locals at the market (he'd wiped their minds afterwards, he couldn't be too careful) he'd found that the previous owner had passed long ago, and having no family, the property had been left by itself. Nobody had any real idea of it's exact location, and no one had any need for an old house out in the middle of nowhere, so hidden it had stayed, untouched by others. It was quiet, and unimpressive – perfect for hiding an ex-General of the First Order.

 

As Ren continued walking up towards the house he noticed the back-door being opened and a figure he knew all too well going to stand in the doorway, gesturing at something to come inside. The suddenly flurry of orange rushing into the house suggested that it was Millicent. Hux then retreated back into the house, leaving the door wide open. For a moment, Ren wondered if Hux had left the door open because he'd spotted him, but it was more likely that Hux knew there wouldn't be anyone breaking in to steal his things.

 

Seeing him for the first time in so long pushed Ren to walking quicker. They'd been apart for too long, and now Ren was finally back here, surrounded by the sound of the wind and the thudding of his own heart beating wildly in his chest. He knew Hux wasn't going to be particularly happy with him for being gone for so long, but right now Ren didn't care – he just needed to see him again, to know he was still safe.

 

Finally he reached the house, standing before the back-door. He gave himself a moment to shut his eyes and take some deep breaths, centring himself there, in the moment. Then with a gentle knock at the open door, he steps inside.

 

The interior of the house was very clean cut. The back-door led into the kitchen, where Ren's feet scrape against the grey stone floors. A small wooden table lay in the centre of the room, void of any items, and two wooden chairs at opposite ends, whilst just beyond it lay the doorway to the rest of the inside.

 

“Hux?” Ren called out, not daring to go any further just yet. On the nicer days, the morning sun would stream in through the kitchen windows, helping to illuminate the whole room in a soft glow. As it was, the weather today was less than bright, the sky marred with dull greys.

 

There was the sound of something clattering to the floor, before Hux appeared in the doorway, a look of shock on his face. It was almost as if they were strangers again, the way Hux was staring at him. He hadn't changed much over the time Ren had been away; his hair was longer, ginger strands falling in front of his face (it made him look younger, vulnerable, and it made something in Ren's chest ache). The biggest difference was that he was noticeably thinner than before, which made Ren want to rush forward and hold him in his arms, to keep him safe.

 

Even after all this time, it was strange to see him in this state – so domestically. The strict regulation uniform had been Hux's armour for years, and Ren had barely seen him not wearing it. The only exceptions being his slacks, and of course when he wasn't wearing anything at all. Now he was stood before Kylo in a worn, slightly oversized green jumper with a pair of dark cargo pants. He looked so normal, so human, and more than anything else, vulnerable.

 

The moment was finally broken when Millicent also appeared around the door, standing by Hux's feet and letting out a confused 'mrow'. All of a sudden, the shock in Hux's face morphed into hard, angry lines. Ren tried not to wince.

 

“Oh. The saviour is here. We're so honoured.” He spat, turning around and walking away before Ren had the chance to say anything. Millie also scuttled after her owner, making soft mewls as she padded along. Ren stood staring at the empty space where Hux had been, an ache burning in his chest. Certainly, he didn't expect Hux to just welcome him with open arms but... He wasn't anticipating the level of hatred coming from the other man. It wasn't unusual for Hux to be somewhat pissed with him when he arrived, but he was never _that_ annoyed, and he got over it pretty quickly.

 

“Hux...” He tried again, moving through the kitchen and into the living room. There were a pile of books on the floor that Hux was gathering into his arms (that must have been the noise from earlier, Ren's mind supplied) and aggressively shoving back into place on a tall bookshelf in the corner of the room.

 

“How's Organa? Still glad to have her darling son back?” He gave the final book a particularly hard slam, the thud shuddering throughout the room. Ren tried to move closer, halfway between the doorway and the man in front of him. “Hux, don't do this-” He started, but was interrupted by Hux violently whipping his head around to stare icily at him.

 

“Do what?” He hissed, and Ren could see him dig his nails into his palms. “Did you expect to just turn up and have things be as they used to be? After all this time? No, you don't have the right to show up and act like nothings changed – because it has.”

 

Silence fell between them and all they could do was stare at one another. Ren felt his chest hurt, recounting that the last time they'd seen each other, Hux had been grabbing onto his shirt and kissing him like he was the only air he had left, before wishing him a safe journey. And now here they were, at a stand off. For a brief moment, Ren considered skimming the surface of Hux's mind to hear his thoughts, but the cold burning rage in his eyes held him back; he wasn't ready to hear what Hux was thinking.

 

Ren averted his gaze after a moment to escape Hux's accusing glare. He ended up glancing over to the fireplace at the other side of the room, taking in the set up in front of it; a small, low table surrounded by a sofa and an armchair respectively. From where he was stood Ren noticed some small pieces of machinery welded together. “I see you've been busy...” He said quietly, gesturing over to the contraption and not-so-subtly trying to steer the conversation to safer territory. Hux looked over at the items on the table and huffed indignantly.

 

“Yes, well, I have to do something to pass the time, since you left me with nothing else.”

 

It's too much. It's all too much and he couldn't take this anymore.

 

Ren took another step towards him.

 

“No.”  
  
“Please, Hux-”

 

“ _No_. We're not talking about this now.”

 

The fight drained out of Hux in an instant and he sighed deeply, slowly uncurling his hands from being fists.

 

“I need to go out and collect things from the garden. Do not follow me.”

 

Hux strode past and out of the house, not expecting an answer. Ren let him go despite wanting to chase after him and try fix things. If he followed now he'd just aggravate Hux more, and that was the last thing he needed. But he swore to himself that he'd fix things, he'd fix whatever had broken in the past nine months; after everything they'd been through, they couldn't fall apart now.

 

Ren sat down on the sofa, looking at the little creations that had been left on the table in front of him. He wasn't sure what any of them were, or what purpose they served, but they looked impressive. He imagined the scraps must have been collected whilst at the market, since there was nowhere else he could pick up bits of tech. It was odd to see Hux's little creations – Ren was aware he was a skilled engineer, he'd designed Starkiller after all, but these felt so much more tangible. Other people built Starkiller, but Hux had made these with his own hands. Ren couldn't help but feel oddly proud of him.

 

Millie interrupted his musings by jumping up onto his lap and meowing at him in an attempt to get some attention. “Hey girl...” He murmured, scratching behind her ears whilst she purred in contentment. At least someone seemed glad to see him. She head butted his chin and he found himself smiling back at her, his mood lifting somewhat. Satisfied that she'd gotten his attention, she curled up on his lap and settled down. With little else to do, Ren began talking to her, the repetitive action of stroking her helping to calm his anxiety.

 

“I didn't mean to be away for so long. What happened to him Millie? What happened whilst I was gone?”

 

She had no reply for him, and he felt a little ridiculous for even speaking aloud in the first place. He was worried though, Hux didn't even look this bad when he was faced with his own death, knowing the battle was lost. Something must have happened to him, but Ren had no idea what.

 

“I missed him Millie. I'm not supposed to, but I did. I do. ”

 

There's a lot of things he's not supposed to feel. Especially towards Hux. But he tried not to think about them, they just remind him of how, even in the end, he couldn't do what was asked of him. Just another thing to add to the list of things he's been unable to achieve. He would never be good enough for anyone, it seemed

 

Hux came back not long after, the tell-tale sound of the back door being shut signalling his return. Ren remained where he was, waiting to see if Hux would come back into the living room. But he didn't, and a few minutes later there were clattering sounds coming from kitchen. It seemed in that case, Ren was just going to have to try bridge the distance between them himself. Gently easing Millie off of his lap, he wandered over to the kitchen doorway, watching curiously as Hux began to cut up some sort of vegetable.

 

It was obvious Hux knew he was there, but made no attempt at starting conversation, or even acknowledging his presence. Ren was not so easily swayed though, too concerned with trying to get back to how they used to be.

 

“The locals...” He started, “They haven't been giving you any trouble? Have they?”  
  
The knife came down particularly hard on the next vegetable, and Ren bit his lip.

 

“Just, I know you must have gotten the spare parts from the market and I didn't know if they'd be suspicious of that-”

 

“No, Ren. No one gives me any trouble. Nobody knows me, nobody cares.”

 

He picked up the chopping board and slid the various ingredients into a large pot, resting on the stove. He still hadn't turned around to acknowledge Ren's presence.

 

“They're just glad someone is buying their useless shit. Trust me, nobody could give a single fuck what I'm buying it for.”

 

Ren caved, stepping forward to rest a hand on Hux's shoulder. Hux stopped what he was doing immediately, going tense under him.

 

“Did I say you could touch me?” He said, low and bitter.

 

Ren retreated immediately.

 

“Hux I'm sorry.”

 

“We're all sorry for something,”

 

Hux grabbed the boiling kettle from the other side of the stove and poured it into the pot. He was still tense, and Ren began to notice the extent of which their time apart has affected the other. And then there was a sinking feeling in his chest as he realises that he's not sure whether it was the time apart that's caused this, or whether it was inevitable from the start. They all had to pick sides in the end; Ren crawled on his unforgiving hands and knees back to the light, begging for mercy and forgiveness. Hux did not.

 

“I'm sorry you didn't have the guts to kill me.”

 

There it was. What it all came back to. The war might have ended that day, but Ren had taken a part of it with him and hidden it away on this planet. He wanted to say something, anything – an apology, an explanation, but the words stayed lodged in his throat. He'd lost this argument, and with nothing else to say to defend himself, Ren left the room. He wasn't about to give up trying to fix things between them, but after all this time he knew when he'd hit a brick wall.

 

With little else to do, he journeyed upstairs, slipping into the spare bedroom (he wasn't fool enough to go into Hux's yet). It was a very plain room, a double bed with only the bare essentials, which was not surprising since there was usually no need for it. As Ren laid down on the bed and curled up, he noticed the ginger cat hair scattered across the duvet and couldn't help the small smile that shone through. When he first met Hux's cat, he couldn't decipher why on earth Hux would keep such a creature around. He wasn't known to be a kind man, and it went against all the regulations Hux was so usually eager to uphold. He hadn't explained it at the time ( _“I'm letting you know she exists, not asking for your opinion of her.”_ ) but now in hindsight, Ren could see how how important she was; she calmed Hux and grounded him when things were bad – she helped him in more ways than Hux would admit to. Over the years, Ren had found himself becoming very fond of her too.

 

A yawn crept up on him, as the exhaustion he'd been trying to fend off reared it's ugly head. The trip here had been long, and with all the fighting, it had drained him more than he'd care to admit. A nap would be good, he decided. He'd get some rest and then when he woke up he could find a way to fix things between them. He would, he'd fix things. It would be okay.

 

He fell asleep, not believing himself for a second.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: aggressively shoves service cat millicent headcanon at you all
> 
> (i am writing that into a legitimate fic though!)
> 
> also fun facts, the planet name, 'Illam' is actually short for illamento, which means isolation in galic so there we go 
> 
> the description of the planet and the house is very much based off of the fields and farm houses where i live


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we get to find out a little bit more about what happened to these two boys oooooooh
> 
> warnings: more discussions of weight loss, disassociation, talk of death/suicidal thoughts, sex happens 
> 
> (if you wanna skip it, skip from the line '“I've missed you.” He murmured against Hux's skin,' to 'He wasn't foolish enough to believe that this had fixed anything' (basically they have Emotional sex bc they're lonely))
> 
>  
> 
> please leave comments, i hope you enjoy!!

 

_It was done._

 

_Time came crashing down around him as Snoke's decapitated head rolled by his feet. He'd done it. Driven his lightsaber through the bastard's chest as he took in the expression of shock and betrayal, before pulling back and making a sweeping arc that cut perfectly through his neck._

 

_Snoke was dead. And Ren could feel the shadowy presence that had been in his mind for so long suddenly vanish._

 

_He was alone._

 

_And he was terrified._

 

_The panic began to seep in then, as Ren stumbled away from the corpse, running out of the darkened room. Rey had been outside, and as Ren came out, he saw her take down the last Knight of Ren. His world was crashing down around him, being stripped away piece by piece, and he wasn't sure whether it was liberating or horrifying._

 

“ _Ben!” She shouted from across the courtyard of the Citadel, running towards him. He deactivated his saber, staring at the bodies on the floor. There was blood rushing in his ears and he suddenly began to wonder if he was dreaming._

 

“ _Is he dead?” She'd reached him by now, standing with uncertainty. Ren just nodded, eyes fixated on those around them._

 

“ _Alright. Let's go, they've captured the Finalizer. I'm needed on the ground crew, the planetary base is still being taken, will you be okay with securing the command ship?”_

 

_All he can do is nod, even though no, he's not okay, he can't go there and he can't do what they expect him to do. But he has to, too worried that if he shows them that he's slipping then they'll just take him out too, even after what he's just done._

 

“ _Good luck.” And she's gone, running off towards her own ship. They'd arrived separately, knowing that it would allow them to take on the Knights and Snoke separately And it had worked. His master was dead._

 

_He boards his shuttle but it doesn't feel real, none of it does, and as he takes off he realises that at some point during their fight, Snoke had wounded him. He presses his fingers against the wound but he can't feel anything. There's a static building up in his head and he can't focus. Somehow he lands in a hanger onboard the Finalizer, but he doesn't remember getting there. As he exits the shuttle he can feel the thrum of a person in his mind, and he doesn't need to check it to know that it's Hux. After everything, he'd be able to feel him in an instant._

 

_He follows in the direction of the presence, nobody around him paying attention. He realises that he must be masking himself but he's not fully aware of it. There's blaring alarms and lights and he's walking through destruction as if he doesn't really exist at all. He just follows the thread, and he can feel anger on the other end, and what seems to be relief, but he can't quite tell, everything is still too hazy within his own mind to focus properly._

 

_Suddenly he's standing by the entrance to the bridge and he knows Hux is in there, can feel him, and he goes through the door, and there he is, standing in all his glory despite the odds. It's been a year since they saw each other last and when Hux turns around and sees him for the first time, Ren knows he can't do it._

 

_There's shouting and insults, but then the voice goes soft and Ren watches as Hux stands in front of him and takes his hand, holding his lightsaber and brings it up to his own chest. Ren squeezes his eyes shut and starts to shake because suddenly he's back on that bridge, faced with his father and he can't do that again, not to Hux, even though he knows it's what the other man wants._

 

_Somewhere outside of his own mind there's a 'please' and it takes him a moment to realise it's Hux because Hux never begged for anything, and yet here he is pleading for his own death._

 

_Ren can't do it._

 

*

 

Ren jolted awake, scrambling upright on the bed. It took him a moment to take in his surroundings, too disorientated from the dream and too focused on trying to breathe properly. But as he looked over at the window on the far side of the room, and the old wooden wardrobe opposite the bed, he began to calm down. It was okay, he was at the house, he was safe here.

 

_Hux is alive. Snoke is dead. Breathe._

 

A quiet knock on the door brought him away from thoughts of his dream and he sat up a little straighter, as if trying to hide any sign of weakness. But instead of entering, Hux's voice drifted through the door, informing him that there was food ready, if he was so inclined. Instinctively, Ren reached out with the force to Hux's mind, and found that whilst Hux was still angry with him, it wasn't nearly as strong as before; preparing dinner must have calmed him, somewhat. His footsteps could be heard as he walked away, not waiting for an answer.

 

The prospect of food was alluring, and could feel his stomach rumble at the idea. Standing up, he took a few deep breaths to centre himself, letting the last remnants of the dream slip away. Despite all his efforts to chase them away, the memories always returned full force whenever he slept. Normal remedies and force methods had done nothing for him, although it was a suitable penance, he supposed, to relive the terror and numbness over and over.

 

He deserved far worse than that.

 

Not wanting to waste anymore time, he slipped downstairs, following the smell of something savoury. Hux was busy sorting out food for Millie when he entered the kitchen, but glanced briefly over his shoulder to nod and acknowledge him. Ren sat at the table where a bowl was placed (Hux had sat them at opposite ends and Ren wasn't quit sure what to make of it) and began eating, not waiting for permission – Hux would only mock him for it. A few moments later, Hux joined him, and the two of them sat in silence, the only sounds coming from the clattering of utensils, and Millie's soft purring in the corner. The broth was pleasant, full of flavour and seasoning. It would be ridiculous to say it tasted special, but it did in a way. Ren supposed it was because he knew Hux had made it, and therefore it held significance to him. A hopelessly romantic thought.

 

At some point during the meal it had begun to rain outside, the pitter patter softly tapping at the windows. It repetitive sound helped to calm Ren's nerves, seeing as how the air between him and Hux was getting more awkward the longer they didn't speak. Ever few minutes he'd keep sneaking glances at Hux when he wasn't looking, although after a while he gave up, realising he wasn't going to get anything out of it.

 

“So what's the excuse this time?”

 

Ren looked up in surprise. Truthfully he didn't expect Hux to say anything else to him for the rest of the day, certainly not anything to do with Ren's other life. This didn't bode well, and Ren could feel the dregs of regret crawling through his insides.

 

“Hux-”

 

“What was it?”

 

He really doesn't want to get into another fight. Hux's anger is warranted, he knows that, knows that it's his fault, knows that he deserved this, but if Hux kept looking at him like that Ren knows his whole world might just fall apart again.

 

“I said I was going to go on a meditation journey...” He mumbled in the end, cheeks turning red with shame. He waited for the scathing comment to come, but it didn't arrive. Instead in it's place was a terribly sad sigh, as Hux leant back in his chair.

 

“Why do you still come here?”

 

_Because I loved you. I still do._

 

It went unspoken. But they both heard it anyway.

 

He knew it would hurt him, but he skimmed Hux's thoughts anyway. _'We could have had...'_ is what he catches, and Ren knew all too well what it meant. They could have had the whole galaxy. _We could have had everything._ But that time had long since passed, and now all they were left with was loneliness.

 

Hux stared at him with a sad and bitter understanding, before sighing and taking their empty bowls over to the sink. He turned on the water and started filling the basin, his movements sharp and methodical, the way he always was when he was trying especially hard to hold back some form of emotion. Ren was tempted to leave him, go back and hide in the spare room and let them separately mourn what could have been, but the sheer despair coming from Hux's feedback refuse to let him walk away.

 

Carefully, Ren rose to his feet and walked over to stand behind the other man, slipping his arms around his waist and burying his face in his neck.

 

“Kylo... Don't.”

 

And hearing that name cracked something inside him because it's been so long since anyone called him that, and he's not that person anymore, he stopped being Kylo Ren a long time ago, but he's not Ben Solo either. And Hux has always made 'Kylo' feel like his own – and hearing it feels like coming home again.

 

“I've missed you.” He murmured against Hux's skin, holding him a little tighter. Hux hadn't pushed him away yet, and it only spurred Ren on.

 

“Please...”

 

“So much Hux...”

 

Hux was shaking in his arms and Kylo pressed a small kiss to the small cluster of freckles on back of his neck – something he used to do to calm him down back when they were still together on the Finalizer. Hux suddenly, and for a moment Kylo wondered if he'd ruined any chance he had, but Hux simply cursed under his breath, shut off the water and turned around to kiss Ren with all the pent up loneliness of the past nine months.

 

It caught him by surprise, but a second later Ren was kissing back, pushing him back against the counter-top. Hux groaned into the kiss, and retaliated by biting sharply at Ren's lower lip. _Yes_ , Ren thought as he ushered Hux to sit up on the counter, _yes, oh, Hux please..._

 

He could feel Hux's hands tangling in his hair before tugging on them, hard. It made Ren gasp and Hux did it again, eliciting the same response. It was harsh and it hurt but it was _good_ and Ren knew it was what they needed, it always had been. They could shout at each other, and throw punches all they wanted, but sex had always been the most productive outlet for their emotions and this was no different.

 

When Hux pulled away to catch his breath, Ren mouthed kisses along his jaw and down his neck, feeling light-headed at being so close to Hux again. It was intoxicating, and every choked gasp only spurred Ren further. He could feel Hux's pulse thrum wildly in his neck which only increased as Ren began sucking marks into the pale skin, biting possessively. Hux tried to press closer to him, his legs coming up to wrap around Ren's waist. “Kylo...” He breathed, and dragged him back up for another desperate kiss, moaning into his mouth.

 

Ren carefully slid a hand up Hux's thigh and gently cupped between his legs, surprised to find him already hard. He could feel Hux try to press closer into the touch but they were already so close, there was hardly any room for them to move. Hux tightened his grip in Ren's hair, kissing him with all the fervour of a dying man. _I've missed this_ , Kylo projects into his mind, _I've missed you, I've missed you so much, I need you..._

 

“Bed.” Hux breathed, interrupting his pleading, and Ren heard it for the command it was. Hux might not have a ship to control anymore, but Ren would follow his every whim if he could. He stepped back, allowing Hux to slide off of the counter, and then in a fearless moment he grabbed his hand, linking their fingers together and leading them towards the stairs. It was sentimental, and more romantic than he knew Hux wanted this to be, but he couldn't help himself; he needed the closeness between them, the intimacy. He was more surprised that as they ascended the stairs, Hux hadn't pulled away. He knew he shouldn't get his hopes up, and yet...

 

He lead them to Hux's room, and as they entered, Ren felt comforted as he realised that it hadn't changed from the last time he was here. Although before he had the chance to look around at the rest of the room, Hux had already dragged him over to the bed, finally unlinking their hands so he could tug at the hem of Ren's jumper. Taking the cue, Ren lifted his arms up so his shirt could be removed, and in turn he hastily gets rid of Hux's jumper. However, once Ren had thrown it to once side and turned his attentions back to Hux, he stopped dead in his tracks.

 

Hux had always found ways to make himself seemed bigger than he was. He wasn't particularly short, but he had a small build, which didn't bode well for intimidation. But now, without his jumper, Ren saw just how thin he'd become in his absence. It made his heart ache, knowing that Hux had been wasting away all that time, with no one to notice or care. He cared. He should have been there.

 

“Hux-” He started, but Hux didn't let him finish.

 

“Kiss me.”

 

He wants to object, there's so many questions he needs answered, but with the way Hux was staring at him, Ren knew it was non-negotiable. And so he kissed him with all he had, hands coming up to cup his face, he kissed him until they were both breathless again. Truthfully, Ren would have been okay with just doing this for the rest of the evening; kissing was one of his favourite things. He appreciated the intimacy behind it, and the way you could get impossibly close to a person. When he kissed Hux, it felt like they were connected in every way, he could hear his feedback so strongly and he could touch every part of him.

 

He finally pulled back when he felt Hux pushing gently at his chest to try usher him back onto the bed. Ren obliged and laid back, watching Hux with hooded eyes. The latter make quick work of removing his trousers, not breaking eye contact with Ren the whole time. Idly, Ren noticed that they hadn't managed to turn the lights on, the only source of illumination was from the moonlight streaming through the windows. It wasn't all that hard to imagine they were still on the Finalizer, fucking in Hux's quarters, only being able to see one another because of the glow from the stars outside the viewport.

 

He was brought away from the memory by Hux crawling over him and leaning down to kiss him again. He reached out and held onto Hux's waist for support, and tried to focus on the soft sounds Hux was making instead of how much of his waist he could wrap his hands around. It didn't stop the protectiveness that flared up within him however. He wanted to gather Hux in his arms and make sure no ill would ever come to him again. _If you had stayed he wouldn't be like this_ , his mind supplied, but really what alternative did he have? He _wanted_ to stay with Hux, to be there for him and give him everything he needed, but he _couldn't_. He had his family back, even if they didn't trust him they were still his family. If he suddenly disappeared it would destroy his mother, and there'd be a galaxy-wide search for him.

 

He loved Hux so deeply, but there was no place for them in the galaxy anymore. He often wondered if there ever was. That was why every moment he spent here was so precious – he could pretend, just for a while, that they won. That this was the life they made for themselves, that they chose this. Fuck Snoke, fuck destiny, and fuck their families – that they made something for themselves.

 

That maybe, at the end of it all, they chose each other.

 

They didn't. But it was nice to pretend.

 

“Hey...” Hux murmured against his lips, his fingers tracing over the scar bisecting Kylo's face. “I'm here.”

 

He was. They were together again, and Kylo wasn't going to waste another moment.

 

Much of the heat from their earlier kiss had faded, but when Ren flipped them over so Hux was underneath him, it came back in full force. He rolled his hips down, giving a teasing smile as Hux tried, and failed, to hold back a moan. He did it again, slower, making Hux throw his head back and bare his throat, which Ren took full advantage of. By the time Ren was down with him, there was a deep flush all over Hux's face, and his neck was mottled with purples and reds. “Please...” Hux begged him, pushing his own hips up to meet Ren's.

 

Taking pity on him, Ren sat back so that he could remove his own trousers, leaving them both in just their underwear. When he crawled back over Hux, he slid his hand into Hux's underwear, taking his cock in hand. Immediately Hux's eyes fluttered shut and his hands grasped at the duvet for support. “ _Oh_ , yes, Kylo...” He murmured, and Ren couldn't help the small swell of pride at how wrecked Hux sounded. He continued to stroke him slowly, watching every expression that passed over Hux's face. It was breath-taking seeing him like this, to be able to take him apart so thoroughly. For all Hux acted as though he was uncaring and void of emotions, when they were like this, when Ren was touching him, it was like watching a supernova unfold.

 

It was beautiful.

 

“Wait.” Hux whispered, gently touching Ren's arm to make him stop. Ren paused and stared at him curiously, wondering what was wrong. “You too,” Hux said, briefly glancing down between them. Up until that point, Ren had been ignoring his own hardness, too focused on making things good for Hux. However there was nothing but determination in Hux's eyes, and so Ren leant back to push his underwear down before leaning over Hux and taking them both in hand.

 

“Do you...” Ren trailed off, too distracted by Hux biting his own lip. _Top drawer_ , Hux thought, loudly enough for Ren to hear. The lube was easy enough to find, and Ren squeezed some into his hand, giving it a moment to warm up before he grasped their cocks again. Hux cried out and Ren kissed him, shushing him as they began to rock against each other.

 

 _Like that_ , Hux was projecting, although unaware of it, _just like that, perfect, oh Kylo..._

 

The praise washed over him and settled low in his gut, and Ren started stroking them faster. At that point they weren't so much kissing, but rather gasping into each other's mouths. Hux's breath started to hitch, and Ren knew he was close. “Hux...” He whispered against lips, and suddenly with a sob, Hux came, grabbing onto Ren tightly as he rode it out. Ren wasn't far behind, coming with a soft groan moments later, as he buried his head in Hux's shoulder.

 

When the aftershocks were over, Ren laid beside Hux whilst they both recovered their breath. He idly watched as Hux leant over and reached into the drawer Ren had been in not ten minutes earlier to take out a small towel. He cleaned them both up as best as he could, and tucked them both away before placing the towel back in the drawer. Once he was done, they both silently got under the covers, and Ren immediately reached out to pull Hux into an embrace, relieved when he didn't move away.

 

He wasn't foolish enough to believe that this had fixed anything, or that Hux was going to suddenly forgive him for being gone so long, but in the darkness of the room, with Hux pressed up against his chest, he could delude himself for a while. Hux shivered in his arms and Ren held him tighter, gathering the force and injecting some warmth into him. It seemed to work, as Hux relaxed further into the embrace, exhaling softly.

 

“Hux...” Ren started, and hated himself instantly for breaking the small bubble of peace they'd been in. He wasn't even sure what he wanted to say; there were a thousand things that needed to be said, but bringing any of them up would ruin the mood even further, and Ren wasn't that willing to jeopardize their already fragile relationship. But Hux sighed quietly, and put an end to the conversation before it could begin.

 

“Don't. Just go to bed Kylo.”

 

He wanted to argue, ask him what had happened to him, to them, how Ren was supposed to fix things. But Hux had sounded so sad and disappointed, Ren kept his mouth shut, and just resigned to nuzzling the back of his head.

 

 _I love you_ , he spoke into Hux's mind. There was no reply.

 

The sinking feeling in his chest that had been ever-present since he'd arrived back on this planet deepened tenfold, and not for the first time Ren wished he was better at something else other than destroying things. If he clung to Hux a little lost and desperate, that was his own problem.

 

 _I'm sorry_ , he tried again. Still nothing.

 

It was entirely possible that Hux had already fallen asleep – it had been a long day, and all the fighting would have stressed him out and drained him, not forgetting what they'd just done. All it would take was a simple prod with the force to check his feedback and find out, but Ren couldn't bring himself to do it. He wasn't prepared the face the fact that Hux might be purposefully ignoring him.

 

He hadn't moved away from Ren's embrace though, and Ren took that as a victory, as hollow as it was. He pressed one final kiss to Hux's hair, murmuring a quiet 'goodnight', before he let his own eyes fall shut. There was little else he could do this evening to try fix things, and ever attempt so far just seemed to have shattered things further. He resolved himself to be better tomorrow, to try harder.

 

It was a shame, he thought, as he began falling asleep, that Snoke's wound hadn't been more fatal. It might have been better for everyone if he was dead.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things are a bit fucked for them huh
> 
> i have a playlist i'm gonna upload at some point which is for this fic


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: mentions of death, assisted suicide (although it doesn't happen), more disassociation, angst, talk of scarring,

 

“ _I won't ask again. They won't capture me, I won't allow it. Ren..._ Kylo _. Please.”_

 

_Ren's staring blankly at him. He can't do it, he can't, he won't, he can't do this again. It nearly killed him to murder his father, if he kills Hux he'll rupture._

 

“ _Hux... Don't make me do this, I can't...”_

 

“ _It's okay.”_

 

_Hux takes his hands away from the lightsaber pointing at his chest and lifts them up to cup Ren's face, and he's smiling at him; it's the breaking point for Kylo as the tears start to spill over his cheeks because Hux looked like he did so long ago, when Kylo used to make him laugh, free and careless. There's forgiveness in his eyes and forgotten love, and Ren can't do it._

 

“ _I believe in you. Do this for me Kylo. Please.”_

 

_Ren leans forwards to press their foreheads together. His eyes are squeezed shut to try stop the tears, and to push down the guilt that's threatening to choke him with what he's about to do._

 

“ _I'm sorry.” He whispers, and before Hux can question the tone in his voice, Kylo taps into his consciousness and snuffs it out. His lightsaber falls to the floor as he catches Hux in his arms. “I'm sorry,” He whispers on repeat, gathering him up and tucking an arm under his knees, with another around his back as he begins to carry him back to the shuttle. No one notices them. Kylo makes sure of it._

 

_He lays him down in a bunk on the ship, knowing that he's going to be out of it for a long time. The ship is ready to go, where to Ren isn't sure; all he can focus on right now is not letting himself submit to the panic rising within him. He can hear the sounds of the X-Wings tearing the Finalizer apart, and he knows he needs to set off now but there's something else he can't leave behind. With determination, he goes back and takes one last thing before finally bringing the shuttle out of the hanger and taking off, not looking back._

 

_He'll be in trouble. He'll have to think of an excuse for not contacting Rey and the others, but presently he was having difficulty remembering how to breathe properly. If he was caught now there'd be no going back. They'd kill him, and they'd kill Hux without a second thought._

 

_What had he done?_

 

_Before his panic attack could fully hit him, he heard a gentle voice whispering in his mind. At first he thought it was Hux, but as it became louder he realised he didn't recognise the voice. The same word was repeated over and over, and blindly, Ren typed it into the ship's computer, wondering if it was a star system. When a planet came up, he didn't think twice before punching in the coordinates. They'd find safe haven there. He knew it._

 

A gentle nudging brought Ren from his dream. Upon opening his eyes he was greeted with Millicent stood on his chest, slowly nuzzling his cheek. She jumped onto his legs and began purring happily when Ren sat himself upright and started petting her. “G'morning to you too...” He murmured, chuckling when she meowed back at him.

 

Evidently Hux had been up for some time, as the other side of the bed had already grown cold when Ren reached out to touch it. He tried to pretend that it didn't bother him. And as much as he wanted to stay in bed and avoid all of his problems, he had to show his face today. He and Hux had things they needed to talk about. Carefully he nudged Millie off of his lap and stood up, stretching out his aching muscles before walking over to the window and looking outside at the sky. All that could be seen was grey, like the day before, but that wasn't unusual – Illam's weather was very mediocre, and the days were mostly cloudy, with rainfall once or twice a week. Seeing the sun was a rare occasion, but a treasured one.

 

Ren's thoughts drifted back to the night previous. It was strange to think that they'd slept together, all things considered. It had been intimate, especially when Hux had traced his fingertips over his scar. It had faded significantly over the years, no longer an angry red but something closer to white, although it was still prominent on his face. Most of the time it was easy to forget that it was there, since he avoided looking in mirrors. He still bore the wound from Chewie's bow-caster, the mottled scarring a constant reminder of what he'd done that day, and he also had Snoke's wound now. It was on the right side of his body, just under his ribs. Ren hadn't moved quick enough to avoid the large shard of glass Snoke threw at him with the force. It was an ugly, jagged scar, but Ren figured so was the rest of him, it made little difference.

 

If Hux was still gentle about his scars, maybe there was a chance he could still forgive Ren. It was all Ren could hope for.

 

Eventually he moved away from the window, planning to get dressed. In his eagerness the day before he'd left his belongings on the shuttle, which in hindsight wasn't one of his wiser ideas. Not being keen on wearing the clothes from yesterday, he shuffled over to the other side of the room to where there was a large wooden box. It looked a little out of place in the room, but the wardrobe was only big enough to hold Hux's clothes, and so Ren used the box to store his things whilst he stayed over. He was convinced he'd left some in there, yet when he went to open it, it was suspiciously empty. Hux could have burned them, he supposed. Given the state of things, Ren wouldn't be surprised.

 

For a lack of other options, Ren turned Hux's wardrobe, accepting that he'd have to find something of Hux's that would fit and deal with whatever Hux had to say about it later. What he wasn't expecting, when he opened the doors, was to find the clothes he'd been searching for, hung up to one side. A few moments passed where Ren just stared at them, taken aback. He reached out to pull one a thermal shirt from it's hanger, running his hands over the fabric. In a lapse of weakness, he then brought it up to face where he inhaled deeply. The smell wasn't something he was expecting – it was strong, he could pick out the floral scent of Hux's soaps, as well as the earthy scent of the pines from the woods nearby. And with that came the realisation that Hux had been wearing these.

 

He'd been wearing his clothes. Ren pushed out with the force towards the clothes and was suddenly flooded with the imprint of a memory. _Hux, curled up on his bed, wearing Ren's shirt. Millicent tucked away against his side. He was looking out of the window, watching the rainfall, waiting for a shuttle to land, a shuttle that wasn't coming. He's lonely, so lonely it aches. He misses Ren. It feels like he's dying._

 

Ren gasped as he came out of the memory. He hadn't expected it to be so strong, usually it was incredibly difficult to access memories from objects, unless the emotions at the time had been strong. Clearly in this case they had been. How long had Hux felt like that? When did he stop waiting for the shuttle to come? It made Ren feel so overwhelmingly guilty; Hux had missed him. And Ren had left him alone for nine months. _It couldn't be helped_ , he told himself, but it offered him no comfort.

 

_Get dressed. Go downstairs. Sort things out._

 

That was manageable. He could do that. He changed quickly into the thermal shirt and a pair of dark trousers before heading into the refresher next to Hux's room to clean himself up. Before heading downstairs, he made a detour back to Hux's room to pick up Millicent, who was thrilled to be the centre of attention again. She purred happily in his arms as he held her close to his chest and scratched behind her ears. As he started plodding downstairs, his ears were filled with the sounds of clanking and scraping which wasn't something he expected to hear that morning. He looked towards the cat in his arms for answers, who seemed nonplussed about the whole thing.

 

It became obvious what they were as he walked into the living room and found Hux sat on the sofa and hunched over what looked to be a very old engine part. He had his sleeves rolled up to his elbows whilst he began screwing some type of casing down, and Ren watched on admiringly, comforted to see Hux relaxed and in his element.

 

Of course that all changed when Hux looked up and realised he wasn't alone anymore. He seemed to close in on himself, as though he was embarrassed about what he was doing. Ren didn't know how to tell him that he was so happy to see him doing something he liked. But Millicent wiggled in his arms before he could say anything so he put her down, where she immediately ran across to her owner.

 

“I wondered where she'd gone.” Hux murmured, mainly to himself as he leant down to greet her. Ren just stood uncomfortably by the window, watching the two of them. The rift between them seemed to be tangible, and the more Ren looked at it, the wider it became. “Do you, uh, have caf?” He spoke, his voice rough after not using it. Hux stared at him strangely but nodded, and gestured towards the kitchen before getting back to his project.

 

The routine of making caf helped to calm his nerves a little, as he thought about the conversation they were going to have and the things that needed to be said. It would be painful, and maybe he'd start to regret it afterwards, but what was the alternative? Spend the next three weeks walking around each other like ghosts? Ren didn't want that, and he was sure Hux didn't either. Ren had accepted that this was all his fault, that he'd been gone too long and cause some sort of mental collapse for Hux, but he wanted to make things better, wanted to show him just how sorry he was. And the only way he could start doing that was by talking about it.

 

The caf machine chimed to say that it was ready and Kylo poured it into two mugs for the both of them. Whilst he added several sweeteners, Hux's stayed dark and bitter, as always. Back on the Finalizer, Kylo used to mock him for drinking such an ironic representation of himself. Hux had rolled his eyes at the time, and called him weak for not being able to drink it pure; which had then delved into _'I'll show you who's weak'_ and when Hux finally went to the bridge, there were some bite marks on his neck that his collar just couldn't quite hide.

 

Kylo brought the mugs back into the other room and handed one over to Hux, who gracefully accepted it with a quiet 'thank you'. Ren sat on the armchair next to the sofa, watching the other intently as he alternated between working on his project, and taking sips from his drink. For the first time since arriving, Ren found the silence between them amicable. He tried to prolong it for as much as he could, knowing that what he was going to say would ruin it.

 

He waited until Hux finished his drink, and then took a sip from his own before asking: “So are we going to talk about it?”

 

Hux glanced over and looked at him with a confused expression, but the meaning of Ren's words dawned on him a second later. He turned away with a frown, putting down his mug and making to leave.

 

“There's nothing to talk about.”

 

“You know we have to.”

 

Hux stared at him, long and hard before laughing bitterly and rising from the sofa, picking up his project.

 

“No, Ren, we really don't. It's the same thing every time, it never changes. So what?” He said, putting his contraption on a shelf before turning around to face Ren. “We fucked. And I'm sure we'll fuck some more whilst you hang around for a while out of some misplaced loyalty and then you'll fuck off back to your life of redemption and love,” Hux sneered at the last part, walking threateningly towards him, “and I'll be stuck here alone for the next however many months.”

 

It wasn't fair. Ren stood up too, the first flickers of anger curling tightly in his chest. “You know I can't help it.”

 

Couldn't Hux see that? He had to be so careful to cover his steps, to make sure that he didn't let anything slip about where he'd really been. He had to think through his lies so carefully so that no one suspected anything. He risked _everything_ for Hux.

 

“Well maybe I'm tired of it. Next time don't bother coming back.”

 

The anger disappeared as quickly as it arrived. He didn't want to believe Hux truly meant what he said, but there was no denying the coldness in his voice. Ren reached out for him, all energy for this argument gone, but Hux stepped back before Kylo could touch him.

 

“No, I'm not doing this anymore, I can't. You forced this upon me, this permanent isolation and loneliness. I should have _died_ , Kylo, you should have killed me but no, you couldn't even get that right, you worthless pathetic creature, why did I ever fall in love with you-”

 

He cut himself off, taking a shaky breath. Ren could feel something shatter within him but he frantically tried to ignore it, more concerned with whether Hux was about to have a breakdown in front of him. But Hux had always been the stronger of the two of them, and after a second, his cold mask had returned and his cruel gaze was back on Ren, as if he never meant anything to him.

 

“I need to go to the market, I have errands to run. Do whatever you want, it means nothing to me.”

 

Hux stormed past him, but Ren didn't really noticed as shocked and numb as he was. The hot prick of tears burned behind his eyes, and he bit his lip as hard as he could to distract himself, so that they wouldn't spill over. It was easy to forget just how cruel Hux could be, but this was a painful and brutal reminder. He was still standing in the same spot when Hux pushed past him again, raincoat on, ready to leave. He didn't say anything else, although the sound of the front door slamming was acknowledgement enough of how he felt.

 

Ren hadn't expected things to go smoothly but he wasn't prepared for the extent of Hux's reaction. Maybe it would have been better if he had stayed away – Hux would have gotten over him, and he could have made a life for himself. Ren was like a hurricane, loud and destructive, no matter how much he tried not to be. He knew he'd never made things easier for Hux, even before he went back to the Light; and when faced with him again on the bridge that day, he'd wanted to keep him. He didn't want him to die. It had been selfish, he could see that now.

 

He wasn't sure how long he'd stood there, staring blankly at the floor. Everything was so quiet in the house, and even Millicent had wandered off somewhere. When he glanced up and looked around the empty room, it felt as though the walls were closing in on him. He had to get out of the house, find somewhere for him to breathe and calm down. Not bothering to find a spare coat, he retrieved his shoes from the back door in the kitchen and then swiftly departed.

 

The cold winds whipped around him, although he only registered it dimly as he walked. His head was full of static, as it usually was when things were too much for him to process. The long grass brushed against his legs as he walked through the field, almost as though the planet itself was trying to console him, not that it was much help. Without thinking, he ended up walking back to the shuttle, boarding it and throwing himself into the pilot's chair. He had no intention of going anywhere (not that he could, it would be suspicious if he returned home so soon), but there was nowhere else for him to go.

 

He became aware that he was having a panic attack when he looked down and saw his hands shaking. When he'd returned to his family, Luke had taught him techniques to help calm him down whenever he could feel them coming on, but at that moment they all seemed to slip from his mind. He really, _really_ didn't want to deal with this now, and upon falling back onto his baser instincts, he lashed out and punched the controls in front of him.

 

It worked, much to Ren's relief, and he could feel the static start to clear from his head. Luke would have been disappointed, spout his usual rhetoric about anger leading to the dark side and how Ren had been doing so well. Ren hadn't worked out how to tell them that whilst he'd returned to the Light, there are parts of the dark side that have always, and will always be present within him.

 

Thinking of Luke reminded him of his mother, and Ren decided that now was as good a time as any to contact her, as per their agreement. As he put the call through, he took a moment to school his features into something more pleasant – something that wasn't going to set off alarm bells with Leia; the last thing he needed was her fretting over him.

 

Soon enough she came up on the screen, looking regal as ever, if a little tired. Ren, although he wouldn't admit it, felt a little more comforted seeing her face again. She might struggle to trust him these days, but she still loved him, and he was so grateful for that – Snoke had tried so hard to destroy their relationship, but he had failed. Most people did when they underestimated Leia Organa.

 

“Hi mom.”

 

“Hey sweetheart. Is everything alright? You look exhausted.”

 

It figured she'd see through his facade. He'd never been good at hiding his emotions.

 

“I'm fine mom, it's just been a tiring few days. Every thing's fine, really.”

 

She wouldn't believe him. None of them ever did. “How are things back at base?” He added, before she could try pry further into his well-being. They had a pleasant conversation, all things considered. Things were calm back home, for once. Rey had asked after him. Admittedly, Ren was glad to hear about it all; it gave him a welcome distraction from the events earlier that day. And it was nice, talking to her like this, as though they were a part of any normal families. It was pleasant. He wished it could have been like this more often, where the weight of the past didn't dictate their ever interaction. But that was a price he had to pay for what he'd done. Another thing that had been his fault. Snoke's fault too, for turning him against everyone. Maybe Leia's fault for not doing something earlier. But Ren knew it all came back to him in the end.

 

They talked for an hour or so, before Leia had to go to attend a senate meeting. She wished him luck on his meditation and sent her love, before signing off. He missed her deeply at times, how they used to be when he was Ben Solo and very young – when they'd spend time together and she'd read him stories and he was happy. Before Snoke crawled into his head and ruined it all.

 

 _Don't_ , he told himself. _Don't do this_.

 

The panic from earlier had subsided but in it's place he was left feeling utterly lost. He wasn't sure what to do now, or what Hux wanted him do. There was a part of him that wanted to leave, run far away, or back to his mother, and tell her that he was sorry. He wouldn't be able to tell her why, but it wouldn't matter, he just wanted her forgiveness. Wanted to feel loved.

 

But he wasn't going to abandon Hux, not again. Family were family, but Hux was his General and he wouldn't leave him behind.

 

 _Grab your things_ , he told himself, _go back to the house_.

 

Ren had always needed guidance, to be lead by someone. And Hux was so good at giving orders.

 

With a new clarity, Ren grabbed his bag and began walking back to the house, the first tendrils of hope blooming within him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave comments!! they give me strength


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello i'm back with an update!! 
> 
> i want to thank everyone for their kind comments on the previous three chapters, i was so nervous about posting and you've all been so sweet and calmed me down so thank you so much to everyone i appreciate it so much
> 
> anyway here we are with the next chapter!! 
> 
> warnings: 
> 
> -descriptions of blood as hux accidentally injures himself (go from _'Ren stood up immediately, going over to him and trying to assess the damage.'_ to _'“You shouldn't leave the fire unattended,” Hux pointed out, going back to preparing their meal, “it's ill-advised.”_ if you wanna skip)
> 
> -more sex (yeah they're back at it again, skip from _' I missed you so much Kylo, oh stars, I missed you-”'_ to _'He murmured encouragements, telling him that it was okay,'_ if it's not your thing!)
> 
>  
> 
> anyway please leave comments and i hope you enjoy!!

When Ren arrived back at the house, determined and reassured, he happened upon the pile of washing up that had been left in the sink from the night before. The house was still quiet, but Ren reached out with the force regardless, confirming that Hux was still absent. If he was going to start making things easier for the other man and show that he cared, clearing things up would be a good start.

 

Before he began, he made sure to take his bag of belongings upstairs, hiding them away in the crate in Hux's room. It was a risk putting them there, since he couldn't be sure if Hux would allow him to continue sleeping in his room with him, but it was a risk he was willing to take. At least they were out of immediate sight, so Hux couldn't get mad at him and start yelling about 'presumptions' if he happened to go upstairs when he came back. Ren spared a smile for Millie, who was curled up asleep on the end of the bed looking peaceful. He'd almost talked his mother into getting a cat to have around base or the apartment. He held back though, knowing it would just be a cheap replacement. There was no point trying to replicate what he had here, with what he had with his family. Still, it would have been nice to have some positive reminder of this place back home.

 

Home. It was, technically, he supposed. They'd been living on Naboo since the war had finished. For a while it had been the new stronghold for the Republic, whilst it gradually re-established and rebuilt itself. It had taken time, but eventually the Republic had been set up once more, this time on the planet Commenor, with his mother being elected for High Command. She was was determined to make sure things wouldn't fall apart this time – there was a reason the First Order had emerged, and she refused to give evil another reason to crawl its way out of the darkness and wrap its sickly hands around the galaxy, choking it until the stars burned out. However despite the Republic moving planets, they'd chosen to stay on Naboo. It was a beautiful place, even the inner-city, and Ren supposed as planets went, it was a nice place to live. But his heart knew where his real home was. _Who_ his real home was. But Ren refused to listen to it – it was too treacherous a thought.

 

Cleaning the dishes ended up being more relaxing than he'd originally anticipated. There was a methodical process to it, and there wasn't much room for him to fuck up asides from dropping something and smashing it. Much to his relief, it didn't come to that, and soon enough Ren had tidied everything away, cleaned and ready to be used again. His mother would be proud of him. Satisfied that there was nothing else to do there, Ren moved into the main room with the intent of getting a fire going. It wasn't quite freezing, but coming from Naboo's summer, the temperature drop was noticeable. It didn't take long to get a fire started, Hux had a small basket of chopped wood by the fireplace, and with a small push of the force, the kindling caught easily. At at lack of anything else to do, Ren went over and took some of the books from the bookshelf in the corner of the room, bringing them back to the sofa. The small collection had grown since the last time he'd been here – some of the copies had been here when they'd first come to the house, but over the past few years Hux had been slowly picking more up from the market, and Ren tried to bring some back whenever he could.

 

He looked over the books he'd selected at random once he was sat back in front of the fire. One of them featured the schematics and engineering of speeders, something he'd brought back for Hux on his first visit, whilst the second was an informative guide about the various types of berries found in the woods on Illam. The last book he'd selected was much brighter than the other two, and appeared to be some sort of children's story. It wasn't something he recognised, so it must have been a relatively new purchase. He lifted his legs up so he was laid on the sofa, with his back pressed against the armrests. The warmth from the fire settled deep into his bones, and cast a soft glow over the book in his hands. As he opened it to the first page, there was a sudden rustle of movement as Millicent padded into the room and jumped up onto his legs, wanting her own share of the warmth from the fire. Ren smiled and petted her briefly, before turning his attentions back to the book.

 

After looking at the first few pages, it was clear that it was some sort of story-book, and Ren wondered why Hux had chosen to buy such a thing. Curiosity pushed him forward, and he ended up reading the whole story. It was about a young boy, who went into the woods alone one night. He travelled for hours, not knowing where he was going. All he knew was that he felt a calling, coming deep from within the woods. After a while, the boy realised he'd become lost, and had no way of getting home again. There were strange noises coming from all around him, growls and howls that were getting louder. The boy began to run but tripped and fell on the ground, grazing his knees. He was scared, and could hear the sound of footsteps drawing nearer.

 

The boy squeezed his eyes shut, waiting to be attacked, but nothing came. When nothing happened, he slowly opened his eyes to see a monster crouched in front of him. All it seemed to be doing was staring at him curiously. Cautiously, the monster moved towards him, before gently nudging the boy's bloodied knees with it's head. When the boy stayed still, it began to lick the cuts, and the boy watched in awe as the wounds slowly closed up and healed. No longer afraid, the boy reached out and slowly petted the monster, surprised at how gentle it was. The monster began to walk away, and gestured for the boy to follow. Soon enough, the boy realised the monster had taken him to the edge of the woods, so he could return home. He thanked the monster, and promised he would come back and see it again.

 

And so the boy continued going to the woods at night and spending time with the monster. And the more time they spent together, the more the boy realised that the monster wasn't scary at all. He asked the monster why it wouldn't come out during the day. From the quiet growls and huffs, the boy realised it was afraid. It didn't want to scare the other townspeople. The boy told him that wasn't true, and that he would make sure everyone knew the monster was friendly. But the monster would not be so easily swayed and continued to only came out when it was dark.

 

One day, the boy decided to go into the woods when it was light outside. He went through and reached a clearing on the other side, where he saw more monsters, wandering around, although they didn't notice him. They looked sad and lonely. So the boy went back to the woods and stayed until darkness fell, and his friend came out to find him. The boy asked about the other monsters, if they knew each other. The monster explained that they were his family. This confused the boy – why would the monster hide from its family? The monster explained that it ran away a long time ago, after having a fight.

 

The boy explained that families love each other and forgive each other. And it was possible that they missed the monster very much. The monster was unsure, and hesitant to believe the boy. But the boy was insistent, and told the monster that tomorrow that he would take it to its family. And so the next day, the boy led the monster to the edge of the woods, where the clearing was. And in the fields lay the other monsters, looking sad once more. But when they saw the boy and the monster, they became happy, and ran over to them. They all crowded against the other monster and nuzzled it, letting out soft howls. The boy was glad that the monster had finally reunited with its family.

 

They began to walk away, leaving the monster stood between the boy and it's family. The monster was sad, as it realised it would have to leave the boy behind to return home. The boy stepped forward and hugged the monster tightly and told it that it was okay, and that it belonged back with it's family now. _You will always be my friend_ , said the boy, _and I will always love you_. The monster nuzzled him and allowed the boy to pet it one last time. The boy said his final goodbye and watched as the monster went to join the rest of it's family, walking away towards the sunlight.

 

Ren swallowed hard as he turned the final page. The story had shaken him, despite it being made for children, and the artwork between the pages had also taken him by surprise. It didn't feature many colours: black, white, grey and red. And yet despite the muted tone, the depth of the colours had left a mark on his mind. The warmth of the white was almost visceral, and the odd splashes of red, such as the blood on the boys knees, or the warm hue of his cheeks, had really created a stark contrast between everything. In fact, the colour scheme desperately reminded him of the Order's colours. Perhaps that was why Hux had chose it. If he was in an agreeable mood later, Ren resolved to ask him about it.

 

Any further thoughts about the book were interrupted by the sound of the front door opening and closing again. Ren sat up, jostling Millicent, to watch Hux come in from the porch. He was carrying a large box, no doubt filled with food and other items from the market. His hair was slightly damp from the rain, fringe hanging in front of his eyes. _I love him_ , Ren thought to himself, letting out a soft sigh. If Hux heard the noise, he made no attempt to acknowledge it. After placing the box down on the floor to remove his raincoat and shoes, he picked it up again and headed into the kitchen without a single word. Ren watched him go, a little disheartened. He reached out to skim Hux's mind, to see if there were any lingering thoughts that might guide him on what to do next.

 

_Too tired... Don't want to fight again._

 

That was somewhat reassuring; he didn't want to fight either. If anyone was going to bring up their precarious situation, it would have to be Hux. All Ren could do was answer any questions he had, even if it made him uncomfortable. If they had to go through these next few weeks pretending then, as much as Ren would hate it, he'd do it if it brought Hux some peace. Settled with his decision, Ren swung his legs over the sofa, standing up and heading in the direction of the kitchen. He lingered in the doorway, watching as Hux unpacked things from the box, moving with a strict familiarity.

 

“Do you want any help?” Ren asked softly, not wanting to startle him. Hux sighed and shook his head. Ren knew he was expecting another confrontation, but he wanted to show that it didn't have to come to that. He didn't move from his spot, and continued to watch Hux move about, on the off-chance he'd be able to offer some assistance anywhere. He hadn't been kicked out yet, which was a good sign. It didn't take long for Hux to unload everything and tidy it away, before he began preparing food for the evening. He still hadn't said anything to Ren yet, but it wasn't as awkward as it could have been.

 

From what he could gather, Hux was making some sort of soup, the thought of which made his stomach perk up. Between all the yelling and the cleaning, he hadn't managed to eat anything other than the caf he'd had that morning. Although before he could get distracted by his own hunger, Hux cursed loudly, dropping the knife he was using onto the chopping board, clutching his hand close to his chest. Ren stood up immediately, going over to him and trying to assess the damage.

 

“It's fine Ren, I'm fine.” Hux muttered, although the blood everywhere undermined his dismissal. Ren took his bleeding hand in his own, turning it over and seeing where the cut was. It wasn't as deep as it looked, just a shallow gash on his finger. Hux went to pull his hand away but Ren held on. Hux glared at him, and looked as though he was about to say something when Ren interrupted him. “Let me,” he offered, not shying away from his gaze, “please.”

 

Hux sighed and relented, and Ren counted it as a success. Closing his eyes, he drew on the force, willing the skin to close and knit itself back together. It didn't take long since it was a simple wound, and when he reopened his eyes, the only evidence left of the injury was the blood staining the counter-top and their hands. His eyes flickered up to Hux, surprised to find him already staring at him. They stayed like that for a moment, not moving, just looking at each other. Hux opened his mouth, as if to say something, but shut it again with a small click, changing his mind. He gently drew his hand away, and with that, whatever quiet, soft moment they'd found themselves in had passed.

 

“That doesn't impress me anymore,” Hux murmured, and it didn't take a force-user to know he was lying. But Ren didn't say anything, instead he took a cloth from besides the sink and ran it under the tap so that he could start cleaning up the blood. Thankfully it had only stained the chopping board, rather than the food Hux had been preparing. It only took a few seconds to wipe it away, and when he was done, Ren offered the cloth out to Hux. He wanted nothing more than to take his hand back and clean the blood away himself, but there was no point in pushing it. At first Hux just eyed it warily, as if he was missing something obvious. But once he'd judged there was no imminent threat, he took it, murmuring a quiet 'thank you' as he cleaned himself up.

 

“You shouldn't leave the fire unattended,” Hux pointed out, going back to preparing their meal, “it's ill-advised.”

 

Ren knew a dismissal when he saw one. But it didn't upset him, he knew Hux needed his space, and it felt as though they'd made some sort of progress, so Ren nodded and went back into the main room. The embers from the fire were much tamer than before, but there was still a little life in them. Sitting around the front of the table, so he was directly in front of the fireplace, he picked up fire iron and began prodding the soft, glowing planks of wood. It was so easy to become distracted by the small flickering flames, and Ren found himself yawning unexpectedly. For half an hour or so he simply sat, prodding the dying embers and letting himself be warmed and comforted. It had almost burnt itself out by the time Hux stuck his head around the door and quietly informed him that food was ready.

 

Once he'd sat down, Ren tucked in immediately, despite being in somewhat of a daze. Hux sat in his usual place opposite, eating at a much more leisurely pace. It was good to finally eat – his stomach was thanking him considerably, and the soup was more than pleasant. Unsurprisingly, Ren finished long before Hux did, and took to drinking the glass of water that had been placed in front of him and looking out of the window as he had the day before. It seemed as though the rain had finally let up, although it was hard to see since it was already dark outside; Hux had been out very late into the afternoon. He was so distracted that he almost missed it when Hux spoke up.

 

“I'm surprised they keep letting you go on these trips by yourself,” he commented, taking a sip from his own water. The distinct lack of bitterness in his tone made Ren turn his head to look at him, although Hux was preoccupied with finishing his meal. “What exactly do they let you do these days?” He added, after swallowing a spoonful of his soup. It was the most civil Hux had been to him so far on his trip, aside from sex, which Ren found odd considering the topic he was trying to discuss. Nevertheless, Ren was inclined to answer him, although he did so cautiously.

 

“Odd jobs. I stay on base and help fix the ships most of the time. Sometimes I go on missions with Rey.”

 

_One mission_ , his mind prompted, but he wasn't about to tell Hux that. “I heal people when I can.”

 

Hux seemed to consider this whilst he finished the last of his meal. Ren went back to staring out of the window, presuming that the conversation was over. The rain from earlier had ceased, but if he looked carefully, he could see the tiny glowing bugs flickering about in the grass. It was quite the sight.

 

“It'll never be the same. They'll never forget.”

 

Ren knows that voice. It's the one Hux uses whenever he's trying to convince him of something. But he didn't need to convince him now, Ren already knew it to be true. No one would ever trust him again. Not even Leia, who's never-ending love had brought him back to the Light, could fully put her faith in him again. He hated it. But he hated himself more for what he'd done to cause it.

 

He knew Hux had taken their bowls and started washing up all the crockery in the sink, but it only dimly registered. He was right, as he usually was, but Ren didn't know what he wanted from him with that statement. Ren didn't expect anyone to be able to forget what he'd done, the awful, horrible crimes he'd committed. But sometimes, it would be nice if someone could just talk to him as though he were normal. Aside from his mother, and Rey and Luke on occasion, any conversation he had with anyone felt so heavy – everyone felt as though they couldn't make any jokes around him, as though he was going to snap at any moment or shatter; they couldn't determine if and how fragile he was. And he hated it, he just wanted to be able to talk about things with people without them holding back. Rey would crack a joke with him, and if Poe was in a good mood then sometimes they could talk about the ships like old times, but there ended the list of people he could truly converse with. It was endlessly disheartening.

 

Ren came back to himself, to find Hux leaning against the counter-top and watching him dejectedly. Whilst Ren had been lost in this thoughts, Hux had managed to clean and dry all the dishes, which said a lot about Ren's apparent lack of awareness. Hux gave him a look akin to pity (it wasn't quite pity, Hux would never stoop that low) before he began to walk out of the room. He paused in the doorway, turning back to look at Ren.

 

“I'm retiring for the night.”

 

“Can I come with you?”

 

He'd sleep in the spare bedroom if Hux said no, but he sincerely hoped he wouldn't. All those years ago, when their relationship was taking it's first few rocky steps, Ren had never thought he'd be so enamoured by intimacy. The thought of needing anyone in such a way was a strange concept, one left for the hopeful, naïve mind of Ben Solo. But there was no denying as they became closer that he began to seek it out from the other man, until now he found himself lost without it. He wanted to lay in bed with him and hold him in his arms, only this time he wouldn't ruin the moment by speaking; if Hux would let him.

 

“If you must.” Hux sighed, already walking from the room. It wasn't enthusiastic, but it was a yes, and that in Ren's eyes, that was some sort of progress. Ren tried not to show his eagerness as he stood up, chair scraping against the floor before following Hux upstairs to the bedroom. Hux went into the bathroom first, which gave Ren chance to slip out out of his clothes, until he was left in only his boxers. Once Hux had come back, Ren swapped places with him, performing all the other menial tasks one did before going to bed. He was still thrumming with energy due to his excitement at being allowed in the same bed as Hux again, although it was impossible to avoid the fatigue that had been slowly catching up with him all day.

 

When he went back into the bedroom, Hux was already hidden under the duvet, curled up on his side. After turning off the main light, Ren slipped in next to him, leaving a sliver of space between them. Hux hadn't stripped down as much as Ren himself had, but that wasn't much of a surprise, since Hux was perpetually freezing and needed all the warmth he could get. He was wearing a white long-sleeved thermal, and some soft grey cotton pants, which made him look so small and exposed. Ren wondered if it was worth closing the distance between them – Hux hadn't asked him, but that didn't count for much, since Hux denied himself what he wanted most of the time. The decision was made when he noticed just how tense Hux was, how tightly he was holding himself. He shuffled over, pressing his chest against Hux's back and throwing an arm around his waist to pull him close. He forced himself not to worry, because what was the worst that could happen? Either Hux would push him away and say no or he'd stay there and let Ren look after him. It wouldn't be the end of the world if it came to the first option.

 

Thankfully, Hux didn't pull away, and much to Ren's surprise, actually relaxed into the embrace. They lay in a comfortable silence, Ren's thumb rubbing back and forth soothingly over the soft fabric of Hux's shirt. Given his personal promise to not speak up and ruin things again, Ren settled himself to go to sleep. His eyelids were about to flutter shut, when Hux spoke, drawing his attention back to the man in his arms.

 

“Do you remember,” he started, speaking quietly, “when we used to lay like this on the Finalizer?”

 

He did. Of course he did, how could he forget those nights? They were among his favourite, although the situations leading up to them were usually less than happy. They mostly occurred after a particularly challenging day for Hux, if a mission had failed, or if he'd had a nightmare about his father. Those nights were particularly bad. But it meant Hux let down his shields for once, and the tender thing that had started to develop between them back then was allowed to bloom a little further. He'd gather Hux in his arms and tell him about all the galaxies they were going to conquer. He'd tell Hux how brave he was and how far he'd come and how brilliant of a General he was. He'd kiss the back of his neck and tell him that he would capture every star and bring it back to him, if it would appease him. He would find a way to bring Brendol, his father back from the dead, just so he could rip his throat with his teeth, if it would give Hux some peace.

 

“Yes...” Ren said, whispering the answer in his ear, feeling Hux try to lean further back against him. If he was being so willing to bring up the past, Ren knew his mind must have been in a fragile place. He nuzzled the back of his neck affectionately, trying to offer some comfort. He wasn't sure where Hux was going with this, but he waited, instead of prompting him. Hux needed to be in control, and Ren wanted to show him that he was.

 

“You've always been so warm,” he continued, “I'd throw away blankets so you had an excuse to hold me.”

 

Ren held him tighter, heart catching on Hux's words. Even if he'd been tempted to speak before, he didn't dare now. Hux never spoke like this, and it was clear from the vulnerability in his voice. If Ren tapped into his consciousness, he was sure he'd be able to hear Hux's heart beating wildly in his chest.

 

“I... Looked forward to those moments. You made it feel as though nothing else mattered except us, and I appreciated that.”

 

Hux sighed, his breath a little shaky. “You made me feel safe. No one had ever made me feel safe before.”

 

Ren stared at the back of his head with wide eyes. Partly he was relieved, all he'd wanted was to protect him back then, and that had never changed. Leaving him behind had been hard, but Hux was one of the strongest people he'd ever met, and he knew he'd manage. But knowing he'd at least felt safe with Ren around was one of the most reassuring things he'd ever heard. Hux began to move then, turning around in their embrace so he could look at Ren. His expression was so open and full of emotion, it was almost overwhelming after having been exposed to mostly anger within the past few days. It was honest, raw, and Ren knew he was holding Hux's heart in his hands.

 

“I missed it, when you left. Being held by you. I missed you. I missed you so much Kylo, oh stars, I missed you-”

 

Ren kissed him, cutting off the rest of his words. Hux whined into his mouth, hands coming up instantly to thread through Ren's hair. The latter slid the hand that was wrapped around Hux down to rest on his lower back, gently pushing him forward to press against him. He kissed him deeply, taking Hux's lower lip into his mouth and sucking at it, drawing a shocked moan out of him. When he began to nibble and bite at it, Hux began to make little desperate for him, pressing his hips forwards hard against Ren's. Without breaking their kiss, Ren rolled over so he was on top, pushing Hux down into the mattress. Hux groaned and arched beneath him, chasing Ren's mouth every time he moved away. Ren slowly removed Hux's hands from his hair so he could link their fingers together and press them above Hux's head.

 

He pulled back enough so that he could stare at the man beneath him. He was beautiful, eyes glinting in the moonlight, breathing hard. Ren's eyes caught on the purple marks over his neck made from the night previously. He'd been wearing a high collared jumper that day, and Ren had almost forgot he'd made them. Seeing them now sent a flash of arousal through him and he was kissing him again, trailing his mouth over his jaw so he was barely brushing the skin, before pressing open-mouthed kisses to his neck, tongue coming out to press at the existing marks. Hux was whispering his name hopelessly, pushing his hips up to find some friction.

 

“ _Please_ ,” he begged, tilting his head to the side so Ren had access to more skin. He left more marks in his wake, steadily grinding his hips down against Hux's own, revelling in the way he was falling apart. When Hux let out a soft sob, Ren came back up to kiss him properly.

 

“Kylo,” he gasped into his mouth, repeating his name like a mantra, “Kylo... Kylo-”

 

“Baby...” Ren murmured against his lips. As he said it realised that he hadn't called Hux that in a long, _long_ time, and wondered if he'd just ruined everything like he promised he wouldn't. But Hux just pulled his hands free from Ren's grip so he could cup Ren's face and kiss him as hard as he could. They kissed and kissed until they were both gasping, foreheads touching and hearts pounding.

 

“Let me take care of you.” Ren whispered, bumping their noses together. “Please.”

 

Hux looked uncertain for a moment, but nodded, stealing one last kiss. Ren slid a hand under Hux's shirt, stroking the skin he found. Hux watched him with hooded eyes, leaning back into the pillows. When Ren pushed the bottom of his shirt up and leant down to press kisses to his stomach, Hux let out a quiet 'oh', darting a hand out to stroke Ren's hair. Ren continued his journey down, pushing the bed covers back and nuzzling his face against the hard outline in Hux's pants. He could hear Hux inhale sharply above him, and he hooked his fingers into the waistband of his trousers and boxers, looking up to ask for permission. Hux nodded immediately, and Ren wasted no time in pulling them down past his thighs, revealing his flushed cock. Hux had turned his head to the side, and Ren waited until he looked back at him before he took the tip in his mouth. Hux gasped, loudly, and threw his hand over his mouth to try silence himself, although it was no use. Ren focused on the task at hand, feeling more confident in himself. He was good at this, Hux had complimented him on it many times in the past. He could do this. He could make Hux feel good.

 

He sucked at the head, feeling Hux tremble beneath him, before he slowly began to take him in his mouth inch by inch. The familiar taste of pre-cum was bitter on his tongue and it only served to spur him on further. Hux's feedback was overwhelmingly positive, and it spoke volumes that Ren couldn't actually pull a coherent thought from him. It was just a chanting of _more_ and _yes_ , interspersed with his name. He took Hux as deep as he could, bringing a hand up to stroke soothingly at Hux's hip when he cried out.

 

_You're doing so good,_ he spoke into Hux's mind, _that's it baby, it's okay..._

 

He knew Hux was close when he started cursing and his fist tightened in Ren's hair. Ren kept up his efforts, letting his tongue trail up the side of Hux's cock, moaning around it. _You can come baby, please come for me_ , he ushered, looking up and meeting Hux's eyes. That seemed to be the breaking point as Hux gasped, head falling back and hips stuttering as he came. Ren swallowed it all, not letting anything spill out of his mouth as he sat back, pulling Hux's clothes back up. He became aware all of a sudden that he'd found his own release during their encounter, as evident by the warm, sticky sensation in his underwear. He didn't have time to dwell on it however, as he noticed Hux was shaking quite profoundly below him. Quickly, he pulled the duvet back up and gathered Hux into his arms so they were chest to chest, running a hand through his hair and shushing him.

 

He murmured encouragements, telling him that it was okay, that he was safe. Hux's face was buried in his shoulder as his whole body shook with sobs, and Ren wondered if it was the intensity of the moment that had broken Hux, or whether he himself had managed to screw up somehow. He wouldn't put it past himself, he was incredibly good at fucking things up. But there wasn't much he could do except hold him tightly and try to offer some sort of comfort in his words. Eventually Hux stopped shaking, and the sobs subsided. Ren kept stroking his hair though, and pressing kisses to his head.

 

“You've ruined me.” Hux whispered shakily against his neck. Ren froze, halting his movements. He thought he'd gotten it right this time, he thought he'd given Hux what he wanted, what he needed. Evidently he was wrong. It was hard to swallow around the lump in his throat, knowing that once again he'd failed somewhere. In the past, his failures had spurred him forwards to be better. But in the moment, Ren believed that this wasn't something he was ever going to get right, no matter how hard he tried. Hux had noticed he'd stopped petting his hair, and began to press his nose into Ren's neck, slowly nuzzling him until he started up the movements again.

 

“I'm sorry.” Ren whispered back, after a moment. And he meant it. He just wanted to fix things, to try be better for him. Hux pressed a kiss to his neck, sensing Ren's distress. _I know you are_ , he thought, loudly enough that Ren would hear. It wasn't forgiveness, Ren doubted there was anything he could do to truly earn that, but it was an acknowledgement at least, that Hux recognised he was trying. He tugged on Hux's hair gently to get him to look up, and when he did Ren kissed him one last time. Things weren't perfect, but the storm between them appeared to be settling somewhat. Hux kissed him back slowly, tenderly. They stopped when Hux let out a yawn, exhaustion taking hold. With some shuffling they settled into a more comfortable position, Hux draped across Ren's chest. He was asleep within minutes, obviously worn out from everything that had occurred that day, and Ren wasn't far behind him, falling asleep shortly after. It was unclear where they stood with each other now, more so than before. Hux couldn't deny the connection between them anymore, but whether he would actively acknowledge it was another thing entirely. But everything was starting to feel like it used to, and Ren was going to hold onto that as tightly as he could. He wouldn't let Hux slip away from him so easily.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the whole thing about the boy and the monster wasn't going to happen originally then i just started writing and was like 'well shit, that's a thing'
> 
> the same about the rebuilding of the republic and stuff... i can't help myself...
> 
> please leave comments!!
> 
> and you can find me [here on tumblr](http://www.skywalkeraesthetics.tumblr.com)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the first time, there is peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm still alive but i'm barely breathing
> 
> legit though i am so so sorry it's been so long since the last update like this is awful of me and yeah i'm so sorry, i really lost my way with this fic and i'm still not perfectly happy with this chapter but i needed to put out something
> 
> thank you all for sticking by <3333 there'll be more info in the end notes about future plans for this
> 
> also i realised in the past month or so that sw universe has a planet called illum which my dumb ass forgot about (despite being super into the sw planets) so ahaha thank god illam is slightly different how bout that
> 
> no warnings for this chapter! please leave comments if you can, and i hope you enjoy!

Ren stirred early the next morning, long before the sun had risen. In the quiet of the bedroom he could hear the wind from outside, the way it sighed and shook the trees and brushed up against the windowpanes. Without thinking he reached out with the force, sensing the small glowing bugs as they flickered between the tall blades of grass outside. It was soothing, to feel life all around him. The force wasn't especially concentrated on Illam, but the planet was always so peaceful, calm and full of life that Ren felt connected to everything without really trying. Centring himself was never a challenge whilst he was here, unlike back home where distractions never ended.

 

Once he'd woken up properly he realised that for the first time in a while he'd naturally come out of his sleep cycle, instead of being forcefully ripped from it by his dreams. He knew he'd had some last night, he could still feel their fleeting impressions, but they hadn't been vivid enough for him to remember any specific details. It was a blessing, one he was rarely gifted, and one he was incredibly grateful for. The cause of which, he suspected, was laid in bed next to him.

 

They'd made progress last night. It was slow, but it was happening. Hux had a habit of opening up bits at a time, and then shutting himself off again, his armour strapped down firmly once more. Ren had at least known him long enough to spot when he was doing this. The fact that he'd had brought up their time together on the Finalizer as well how much he'd missed Ren, was a good sign though, it spoke volumes – mainly because Hux never admitted to missing him; Ren suspected he found it too sentimental to say aloud, although that hadn't stopped him from thinking it. Ren had caught the thought, once or twice, a small projection that Hux couldn't hold back. He was never sure if Hux was aware that he'd done it, or whether it had been on purpose, but regardless Ren had never brought it up. It felt more special that way.

 

He looked down to the body next to him, unable to stop the warm feelings of tenderness that washed over him. Hux had only ever looked peaceful when he was in deep sleep, where he didn't need to micro-manage everything and when his responsibilities could be laid aside for a short while. When it came to himself, Ren often found himself restless, unable to fully slip away. It happened on a regular basis, and when it had happened all those years ago on the Finalizer, he'd spent the early hours watching the rise and fall of Hux's chest, letting the gentle motions lull him into a sense of comfort. At the beginning, he'd simply watched, mildly fascinated by how soft Hux looked in his sleep. But as things began to change between them, and feelings became involved, Ren resorted to reaching out and touching Hux's hair. It was incredibly self-indulgent, and when he'd caught himself doing it he'd felt mildly ashamed. But it was so soft beneath his fingers, so smooth, unlike his own mess of dark locks. Ren wasn't used to touching things that felt that way. He wore gloves most of the time, and when he touched Hux without them, they moved too quickly to truly take in the sensations he was feeling. But when he'd felt Hux's hair for the first time like this, it had resonated deep within him, for reasons he couldn't work out.

 

Looking at him now, Ren wondered if Hux remembered those nights. One time he'd woken up half way through Ren's administrations. Ren had frozen in place, nervous and ashamed all at one. But instead of some disgusted remark, Hux had brought his hand up to cover Ren's, before pressing a soft kiss to his palm. He'd stared at Ren, as if to say that he understood, before his eyes slipped shut and he fell asleep once more. Now, in the present, he was curled up with an arm slung loosely over Ren's waist, soft breaths skittering over his chest. Ren wanted nothing more than to stay like this for the next few hours, warm and comfortable with Hux laid against him, but as tempting as it was he had other plans that would, he hoped, keep him in Hux's good books.

 

With one last wistful look, Ren extracted himself from Hux's embrace and began getting dressed as quietly as he could. He took his bag from the wooden box, feeling more secure now that Hux wasn't about to kick him out, and left it out in the open. He heard a small noise from the bed, and for a moment he thought he'd woken Hux up, but when he looked over all he saw was Hux curling up to where Ren had been, shivering and clutching at the remaining warmth left in the sheets. Ren felt a small smile tug at the corner of his mouth as he quietly walked back over. He knelt by the bed, one hand reaching out to touch Hux's hair, before he closed his eyes and pushed small tendrils of heat into Hux's body with the force. The effect was instantaneous as Hux visibly relaxed, letting out a soft sigh and practically melted into the sheets. In a moment of weakness, once he'd risen to his feet again, he bent down to press a kiss to Hux's forehead, before he turned and left the room, moving in the direction of the stairs.

 

In the sleepy silence of the house, he was convinced he could still the phantom mechanical noises of the Finalizer. Being used to them for so long, he found actual silence somewhat disturbing. Snoke used to put him in sensory deprivation chambers to 'hone' his force abilities, which worked for the most part, but Ren liked having some underlying current of noise to help him focus. It made him feel less alone, more connected, as pathetic as the thought made him feel. He needed the contact.

 

The stone floor was cold beneath his feet as Ren entered the kitchen. Out of the window, the world was just starting to wake up, the mist slowly receding back into the woods and mountains as the skies began to lighten into their usual soft grey. Soon enough Hux would be waking up, when it was bright enough for the light to shine through the windows. He'd never put up curtains, which had always baffled Ren. Although given the location of the house, Hux had more than enough privacy, there probably wasn't any need for them. Maybe it was just his own issues at work, being far too fond of hiding behind things.

 

Ren took a glance at the world outside, admiring the stillness of it, before he set about his task in collecting various pieces of food to compile together in an attempt at breakfast. Not for himself though, this was for Hux. He hoped that bringing him something might put him in an agreeable mood, or at least stop him from arguing with Ren from the moment he woke up. He grabbed some fruit from the bowl on the table and began slicing into it, putting the chopped pieces into a bowl. The fruits here were so vibrant, for a planet so dull. The particular piece he was cutting into was amber in colour, and seemed to glint like one too.

 

He added a few more items into the bowl, trying to remember what Hux liked. He wanted to do a good job on this, or else there was no point to doing it. After a bit of rearranging, he was comfortable with his choices, and for the final bit he made sure to make two cups of caf before he arranged them all on a makeshift tray and carried them back upstairs. When he entered the bedroom again, Hux was still laid in the same spot, although looking much more relaxed. The force trick seemed to have done the job, much to Ren's delight – not that there'd been any doubt, but he always felt better knowing he'd done something right.

 

As Hux was yet to wake up, Ren placed the tray safely to one side and took a caf for himself before moving over to sit up on one of the windowsills where he could watch as Hux peacefully dozed. Sunlight began to stream into the room, which was a rare occasion on Illam; it's occupants were lucky if it came out once a week. Ren watched with interest as it slowly began to pour into the room, climbing up the side of the bed and falling across Hux's face. He looked ethereal like this, surrounded by light and almost glowing. It seemed such a contrast to who he was as a person, but Ren admired it all the same.

 

Inevitably, the brightness woke him up. Ren watched, fascinated, as Hux slowly stirred from sleep, his nose wrinkling as he slowly blinked his eyes open and took in his surroundings. It was almost innocent, the way he looked in surprise at the light. Millie, who'd been hiding underneath the bed, jumped up onto the covers to greet him, whom he smiled at and petted her. His smile faltered when he looked up and saw Ren, going tense for a brief moment, but as he realised who it was he relaxed again.

 

“How long have you been there?” Hux sighed, sitting up in bed and rubbing his eyes, whilst Millicent padded over his legs.

 

“Only a short while.” Ren replied, trying his hardest not to smile at the domesticity of the moment. Before Hux could say something else, or try to get out of bed, Ren stood and brought the breakfast tray over to him. Millie jumped out of the way as Kylo placed it on Hux's lap, taking note of the cocked eyebrow and look of confusion. Ren didn't say anything to help, and went to sit back at his usual spot.

 

“...You made me breakfast.”  
  
“Mm.”

 

“Why?”

 

Ren shrugged, looking away. Of course he knew why he'd done it, but there was no point telling Hux that. It was just a gesture, a hope that maybe today they wouldn't fight each other. After being displaced, Millie jumped from the bed and padded over to Ren instead, since Hux seemed happy enough by himself. He let her jump up on his lap and began to play with her, without realising that Hux had watched them both with a small smile, before he began eating the food he'd been brought.

 

They both fell into their own little worlds after that, co-existing in a moment of peace. Once Hux was finished eating he placed the tray on the empty side of the bed, drawing his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around his calves. He looked troubled, as though there was something he needed to say, but didn't have the words for it. Whatever it was, Hux let it slip away with a sigh, and glanced upwards to give Ren a tragic look.

 

“Kylo... I know what you're doing. And I appreciate the sentiment but... This doesn't fix things.”

 

“I know.”

 

“I don't forgive you.”

 

“I know.”

 

But it was a start, Ren thought. Of course he wanted Hux to forgive him, but he wanted to do nice things for him too. He deserved them, after all the misery Ren had put him through. And if he could never forgive him... Well, he'd cross that bridge when he came to it, but it would be Hux's choice and he'd respect it, even if it did break his heart.

 

“The sun's out.” Ren said, quickly changing topics. Hux blinked slowly at him, before shifting to look out of the window.

 

“Yes,” he breathed, “so it is.”

 

“Will you be in the garden today?”

 

“Mm, I suppose.” Hux sighed, still gazing at the sunlight.

 

“Can I watch?”

 

Hux paused, and Ren had to hold back his begging. He'd be good, he'd meditate and Hux would hardly know he was there, he wouldn't annoy him or get in the way-

 

He just wanted to spend time with him.

 

“Alright.” Hux agreed reluctantly.

 

Ren, to his credit, managed to hold back his smile until Hux had gotten up and left the room to use the shower. He might just be forgiven yet. Still, instead of sitting around and grinning like a fool, he busied himself braiding his hair and tying whatever was left into a loose bun at the back of his head. When Hux came back, towel around his waist, he shot Ren a look that demanded privacy and Ren obliged, making his way downstairs so he could feed Millicent. As if sensing what he was going to do, she padded after him, weaving her way around his ankles as he found her food and poured some into her bowl.

 

He leant against the counter when he was done, Millicent purring happily from by his feet, as he waited for Hux to finish up and join him downstairs. Typically, sitting out and watching someone garden wasn't the most exciting of activities, but Ren was immensely looking forward to it, so much so he could barely keep himself still. He liked watching Hux hard at work, sleeves rolled up to his elbows and soil all over his hands, it made him look so undeniably human. It made Ren wonder what things would have been like for them, if the universe had been different. Would they have turned out so cruel? Would they have committed such crimes? Would they have even found each other?

 

_Yes_ , Ren told himself. _We would always find each other_.

 

Before he could get too restless, Hux came downstairs to join him, his hair still slightly damp despite his efforts to towel dry it. There was a small strand that stuck to his forehead, and Ren resisted the urge to push it back, out of the way. Hux moved before he could think twice about it, grabbing the small basket of gardening tools beside the back door and double checking everything he needed was in there. After glancing at Ren to make sure he was ready, he opened the back door and stepped out into the sunshine.

 

The faded picket fence outlined the garden at the back of the house. Upon closer inspection, Ren could see just how much work Hux had put into it since he'd been gone. There were crops of all shapes and sizes, a warm splash of colour in the otherwise muted land. Ren sat himself down towards the far end of the garden, careful that he didn't destroy anything. He could feel the sun on the back of his neck and he let his eyes slip shut briefly, trying to ground himself in the moment as he got into his meditative position.

 

He could hear Hux move about, the tools in his basket clanking softly as he set them down and took them out to begin his work. They hadn't spoken yet, but Ren found himself not minding – it only took a simple push of the force to find that Hux wasn't actively ignoring him, he was just content to be quiet. Ren could live with that.

 

Secure with himself, he slipped into meditation, whilst Hux's presence stayed firmly in the back of his mind at all times, soothing and grounding. The warmth and light from the sun seemed to induce a calmness over the both of them, and even through his trance, Ren could feel how Hux felt peaceful and relaxed, at ease with the manual labour and sweat running down the back of his neck.

 

Time passed by in a haze. After a certain point, Ren came back to himself, slowly opening his eyes to see Hux planting seeds in a fresh patch of soil. His hair had dried now, due to the sunlight no doubt, and it was hanging loosely in front of his face, so much so that he kept trying to push it back with his arm and not his hand, to avoid any dirt getting in it. It made Ren smile, the simplicity of it all. He unfolded his legs and stretched them out, easing the ache that had settled in whilst he watched Hux go about his work. He hoped that being outside in the sun would help Hux's freckles to stand out more, since they added a sort of youthful look to him. Hux of course hated them, but Ren made no secret to how much he liked them.

 

“Do you still have nightmares?” Ren asked after a moment. It was unprompted, and Hux turned to look at him in surprise.

 

“No,” he replied, sitting back on his heels, “not since...”

 

He racked his brains to think, but Ren knew what the answer would be. The last time he'd been here he'd given him a force-sensitive stone, something Rey had brought back from him after one of her journeys. Originally it had been for him, but whilst he appreciated the sentiment, he knew who needed it more. Besides, the nightmares were his punishment. He deserved them. So he'd attuned it to Hux's signature, and given it to him instead, told him it would help him sleep. Evidently it had worked, much to Ren's delight.

 

When Hux figured this out, he gave Ren a soft look, expressing his gratitude. Ren just smiled at him in return. He didn't need Hux to say anything, he knew what he meant. As he looked away towards the rest of the garden, he found himself impressed with how much Hux had managed to do in the time that had passed during his meditation. The basket that had earlier only contained tools was now completely full, stuffed with different crops. It was only a small thing, gardening, and yet Ren found himself inexplicably proud of Hux for it. Maybe it was because he'd found something to do, but it felt like something more than that, although he couldn't quite work out what.

 

“Do you?” Hux asked, shaking Ren from his thoughts. Ren stared blankly at him, wondering if there was something he'd missed.

 

“Do you still have nightmares?” Hux clarified, sensing Ren's confusion. He almost wanted to say no, tell him that he didn't, so that he wouldn't have to explain it all, but he couldn't bring himself to lie about it, not to Hux's face. He nodded instead, and waited for the inevitable questions and scathing remarks about how he deserved so much worse, but nothing came. In their absence, Hux just looked at him sadly, and with anyone else Ren would have mistaken it for pity, but Hux did not pity people. He looked at Ren for a moment longer before returning back to his crops. A soft breeze came and danced over his skin, and Ren wondered what would happen if they stayed like this forever.

 

*

 

The rest of the morning followed in a similar hazy fashion. After Hux was done harvesting and planting, they headed back inside, and Ren offered to wash everything whilst Hux showered again. Once all the food had been cleaned, he began making lunch for the two of them, wanting to put himself to good use. He was half-way through preparation when he heard Hux come back downstairs and start playing with Millicent in the main room. It was the happiest Ren had heard him sound so far on his trip, and whilst he wished it was him that was able to make Hux happy, he was glad he had something to inspire that feeling; it might not have been his victory, but it was a victory nonetheless.

 

He made sandwiches in the end, not wanting to spend too long by himself. Once they were plated up, he brought them into the living room, to find Hux who was sat on the sofa cradling Millicent in his arms, whilst she purred happily at him. Upon seeing Ren he placed her down with a small smile and scratched behind her ears before she could get too grumpy with him. He took the plate from Ren's extended arm with a small 'thanks', whilst Ren shifted to shit on the chair next to the sofa, tucking in as soon as Hux did.

 

This had been the most promising day so far, in terms of progress, and they were only half way through it. Maybe that was due to the lack of conversation they'd had, but looking back, Ren wondered if he'd been forcing conversation when there didn't need to be. He'd always been clumsy with his words, far more reliant on his actions to show how he was feeling. Perhaps this is what he should have been doing all along.

 

As they ate, the sunlight that had been streaming in through he windows for most of the morning began to steadily disappear, until it was far darker than it should have been for the middle of the day. Hux hadn't seemed to have noticed, preoccupied with feeding little bits of bread and meat to Millie. Ren was about to bring it up when suddenly the room briefly illuminated and a large boom sounded from outside. Millie mewled unhappily and Hux sighed, not even looking out of the window.

 

“Typical,” he murmured, mainly to himself, “anytime the sun comes out, a storm chases it away.”

 

Ren himself had not experienced many storms before, and certainly not on Illam. It was louder than any he'd heard before, almost to a point where he felt unnerved. Hux seemed completely unaffected however, gathering up his empty plate and taking Ren's from him into the kitchen to be washed up later. When he came back into the room, Ren had moved over to the sofa, looking extremely uncomfortable. Millie had moved to where Ren had been sat, undoubtedly looking for warmth.

 

“Lay with me?” Ren asked, knowing it was an entirely selfish request. They'd been orbiting around each other all morning and Ren wanted some comfort. The storm was putting him on edge, and he just needed something else to focus on for a while. For a while Hux didn't say anything, and Ren wondered if he'd ruined the peace they'd managed so far, but instead of replying verbally, Hux simply came and gently pushed at Ren to lay down, so they could fold up against each other on the sofa.

 

They shuffled about so Ren could hold Hux in his arms, who huffed indignantly, but put up no further protest. With their chests together, Ren let his arms wrap around him, clutching onto him tightly. If Hux noticed the way Ren fisted his hands into his shirt, he didn't point it out. In response Hux moved his arms to wrap around Ren's waist, which made him feel a little less guilty about his sudden request. When he finally felt like he was calm enough, he slowly let his hands relax, and he let them slowly rub up and down Hux's shoulders, which made the other man let out soft sighs. He started shivering, and at first Ren thought it was because of his administrations, but after a while the real cause became more obvious.

 

“Are you cold?”

 

“No.” Hux said, although another shiver racked through him and gave him away.

 

Ren couldn't help but chuckle, and reached out with the force towards the fire, igniting the last dregs of firewood, with the resulting 'whoosh' making Millie look up from her spot on the chair.

 

“That's cheating...” Hux murmured, and it almost sounded fond.

 

He said nothing more after than, and Ren went back to tracing patterns on his back. It became easier to ignore the loud crashes from outside when the warmth from the fire seeped into him, and he could feel Hux's chest move as he breathed. He didn't want to presume things were fixed between them, but he couldn't deny how wonderful it felt to be in this position, like they belonged there, like they'd lived here this whole time. It was a nice thought, but the more he dwelt on it, the more his chest began to ache. Because he hadn't been living here, this wasn't the domestic bliss it was supposed to be. It was nothing of the sort, just some sort of strange illusion that Ren was so desperate to be submerged in.

 

He held Hux tighter, as though holding onto him would keep the illusion alive. Hux just leant further against him, pressing his face into Ren's shoulder.

 

_He's right_ , he thought to himself as he watched the embers from the fire flicker and jump, _I shouldn't have come back_.

 

What use was he to Hux? What did he need him for? All he did was make Hux angry and upset whenever he returned, and then broke him again when he left. He could see that now, what a destructive presence he was to him. He didn't want to be, he only wanted to give Hux what he needed. But it seemed that was nigh impossible now, and everything he'd done had only made things worse. Hux may have been lonely without him but he did have some semblance of a life here. He had the house, he cooked, he had a garden to attend to, he had Millie. All Ren seemed to do was swoop in with reckless destruction and uproot everything.

 

_What am I doing here?_

 

And yet if he left, Ren knew he'd only cause further damage. If he left, he knew he could never return again. There was a chance Hux would forgive him this time, but there wouldn't be a next time. Hux would probably kill him on sight. But he knew he'd have to leave at some point.

 

He didn't want to, he realised. He could have a life with Hux here, if he stayed. But he'd scarified so much to get his family back, it had been a long and hard battle, and he wasn't sure he was ready to lose them again. The ultimatum loomed threateningly over him, and he kissed the top of Hux's head in an attempt to ignore it, to try bring himself back to the present. He needed to focus on where he was at that moment, on Hux, on Millie. Right now, they were all that mattered.

 

A loud rumble of thunder sounded threateningly from outside, and Ren couldn't help but feel like it was a warning.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ren is the Emo Angst Machine
> 
> okay so plans: i'm not sure when i'll be able to next update this since i moved to university in september! so i'm kinda busy a lot and i've got essays dues soon but hopefully it won't be such a long wait for the next chapter 
> 
> but in other news, i'm participating in angst november so there'll be a bunch of kylux fics coming up!!
> 
> thank you again for sticking around you're all so lovely <3333


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux and Ren get drunk. Feelings and sex ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey look a chapter update that wasn't two months from the last one, see sometimes i'm not entirely a piece of shit
> 
> warnings: ren and hux get drunk and then have sex, they're both up for it but they are more intoxicated than they realise they are, so just a heads up!
> 
> also hux makes a comment about brendol being abusive (if you need to skip go from ""Look at me now" to "I know.")
> 
>  
> 
> we're almost reaching the end here, just two or three more chapters to go! thank you to everyone who's commented and left kudos, you're all delights and i appreciate it all so much <333
> 
> please comment if you can! and without further ado, here is chapter six!

Somewhere along the line, Hux had nodded off against him. Ren hadn't noticed until he'd been tracing the words 'I'm sorry' across Hux's back, waiting for a reaction only to receive none. He'd checked his feedback and realised the man had been asleep for quite some time, which he wasn't sure whether to be disappointed or relieved by.

 

The storm slowly faded away whilst Hux slept, leaving grey skies and rain in its wake. The pattering against the window was admittedly quite soothing, combined with the faint crackle of the fire. Ren could have slept too if he'd wanted, but he knew that if he did he'd have more nightmares; there were too many things swimming about in his mind to even think about getting some decent rest. But he didn't mind, he was content to keep stroking Hux's back and burying his face into his hair. Millie had now moved from the chair and was now lain in front of the fire where it was considerably warmer, happily purring away. It was an extraordinarily peaceful moment, and Ren wished he could stop the thoughts screaming in his head for just a while so that he could appreciate it for what it was, but instead, like always, he remained trapped in his own head.

 

The only form of distraction came when Hux woke again some hours later. Ren felt him shuffle in his arms, groaning quietly as he realised what had happened. He pulled back to look at Ren, unable to hold back a small yawn. Without really thinking, Ren brought his hand up to brush through Hux's hair, caught up in the intimacy of the moment. Much to his surprise, Hux didn't pull away, but rather leaned into the touch, letting out a soft exhale.

 

“How long was I out for?”

 

“A few hours.” Hux wrinkled his nose in distaste and Ren held back a smile.

 

He wriggled about for Ren to release him, which he did reluctantly, and stood up so he could stretch out his stiff muscles. Ren watched him the whole time, unable to look anywhere else as Hux rolled his head from side to side and stretched upwards, letting his shirt ride up. He caught sight of Millie in front of the fire and turned to look at her fondly.

 

“Are you hungry?” He asked, not bothering to look back. Ren was so busy watching that he almost missed the question.

 

“No.” Hux had picked up Millie and was scolding her for sitting too close to the heat. Ren watched in fascination, unable to stop wondering if this would be what consisted of their lives if he stayed here – laid against each other after a long day, Hux having gone to the market to sell his contraptions, Ren preparing more firewood and hunting for animals in the woods. Would they come home together like this? Would Hux smile at him and pull him down for a kiss before Ren asked about how his trip into town was? Would they be happy?

 

During his contemplation, Hux had disappeared into the kitchen to grab some glasses and a bottle of what Ren presumed was some sort of alcohol. He set the glasses down on the table in front of them, before unscrewing the cap and pouring out the bottle's contents. Ren wasn't sure what exactly had inspired this, since they weren't exactly celebrating anything. Not that Hux had ever needed an excuse before.

 

As if sensing his confusion, Hux put the bottle to one side and offered one of the glasses to Ren.

 

“Why not?” he shrugged, pushing the drink into Ren's hand. “If you so desperately need an excuse, say it's to the sun, that finally showed it's face after three weeks.”

 

It wasn't an excuse, not really, but Hux seemed already set on doing this and Ren figured it was best to play along.

 

“You shouldn't drink on an empty stomach...” Ren chided softly and Hux turned to him amused.

 

“Are you lecturing me Ren?”

 

Ren had the decency to look embarrassed at least. Hux tutted, but it was mainly for show, for the first time in a while, his feedback didn't indicate he was angry in the slightest.

 

“Besides, I ate breakfast if you'll remember correctly.”

 

Ren was about to argue how that didn't count since it was so long ago, but wisely kept his mouth shut instead. Hux let out a smirk before throwing back his drink, encouraging Ren to do the same. Ren wasn't quite so vigorous in his own drinking, approaching it rather hesitantly. It was bitter he found, after taking his first sip, extremely so, but had a sweet after-taste that seemed to linger in his mouth. He knew Hux must have acquired it from the market, but wondered where exactly it had been made. It must have been on planet, but Ren wasn't sure which sort of fruit would produce something that tasted like this.

 

“If I didn't know you better I'd presume you'd never drank before.” Hux snorted, reaching to pour himself another glass. Ren could feel himself blush, and tried to tell himself it was was just the heat of the fire on his face. Determined, he downed the rest of his drink, trying not to wince at it's taste. Hux always managed to look so elegant doing these things, it hardly seemed fair. Hux had always possessed a grace that he himself could never dream of having. He was an awkward child, more so as a man. He'd never grown into himself, stuck with too long limbs and a clumsiness that only disappeared when he was fighting – not that he did much of that anymore.

 

Hux seemed to unwind the more he drank, relaxing further back into the sofa. Ren kept a close eye on him, nervous that the alcohol was going to make him do or say something to spark another argument, but so far Hux was yet to do anything other than pour himself another drink, or watch the fire thoughtfully. He was clearly working something to say, but hadn't quite found the words yet. Ren wasn't going to push; he knew what happened when he did. Instead he followed Hux's example and kept drinking too, the taste become less bitter the more he had, to the point where everything seemed to go soft around the edges of his vision. But it was a pleasant feeling and he didn't bother worrying about it.

 

The fire began to die down as time went on, and Hux started grumbling at it after a while.

 

“Ren...” He began, pointing towards the flames, “M'cold. Can't you use your...” he waved his arms around to try demonstrate, “magic to make it warm again?”

 

“It's not magic...” Ren muttered, but indulged him, reaching out and pushing the force into the fire.

 

“I suppose you're right,” Hux lamented as the crackling started up again, “if it was magic then maybe you could have fixed everything.”

 

Ren didn't bother replying, too busy trying to ignore the sharp pain in his chest. They'd been doing so well today, he'd thought-

 

Well, he was a fool, that was all that mattered.

 

He brought his feet up onto the sofa, moving about so his knees were pressed against his chest, watching over at Hux who was sat on the opposite end, legs tucked under himself. Despite the crushing weight of his statement, the man himself seemed content enough, as though he hadn't just crushed all of Ren's hope. He took another sip from his glass, almost daintily.

 

“Do you want to know a secret Kylo?”

 

Ren was sure there was a correct way to navigate this conversation, but he had no idea which way that was. He nodded waiting for Hux to continue on and take the lead. He didn't even turn to look back at Ren before he spoke again.

 

“After a while... I just wanted the war to be over.” He whispered, and Ren could tell these were thoughts he'd never voiced before by the way Hux seemed to curl in on himself slightly, as thought afraid someone like Snoke would hear them.

 

“It was worthless. All of it. Starkiller should have been... It was supposed to be my moment, I was supposed to be glorious. And in the end, all it created was dust.”

 

He sighed in frustration, and Ren tried to push whatever comfort he could into him with the force.

 

“Nothing had a point to it. All we did was kill each other, it was just mindless destruction. We were supposed to create order Ren, we were supposed to take control and improve the galaxy. But all we did was destroy stars and shed blood and I couldn't... I needed someone to win. I didn't care if it wasn't us.”

 

He took a deep breath and Ren wanted to reach over to him, take his hand and tell him that it was okay. But that wasn't going to fix anything, it wouldn't have done back then, it wouldn't now.

 

“Look at me now,” he laughed darkly, filling up his glass again, “hiding away on this back-water planet. My father would be terribly disappointed you know – General's are supposed to go down with their ships. What does that say about me? If only the old bastard was still alive. Maybe he would have done what you should have.”

 

Ren flinched, hard. He couldn't keep listening to this, it was killing him.

 

“I couldn't...” he blurted out, and the rest didn't need to be said.

 

_I couldn't kill you._

 

“Yes,” Hux replied, and it sounded so close to forgiveness, “I know.”

 

They went back to silence after that, Hux topping up both of their drinks, Ren accepting eagerly and letting the taste distract him from the the tears he could feel building up behind his eyes. When their drinks were finished, Hux shifted about so he was facing Ren on the sofa, mimicking his position.

 

“Come here...” He murmured, after reaching over to put his empty glass down on the table. Ren was all too eager to follow, despite his worry that he was going to mess up and do something wrong. He put his glass next to his and crawled forwards on his hands and knees until he was knelt between Hux's legs, watching his face for any sign of what was to come. Hux smiled at him, although it seemed awfully far away, and reached out to cup Ren's face.

 

“Sometimes it's like you've never changed at all.” Hux mused, rubbing his thumb slowly back and forth over Ren's cheek. “But you have. I can see it in your eyes. You can't let go of me, can you?”

 

“Hux...” Ren whispered, voice shaking. His vision went blurry with tears and it took all of his willpower to stop them from spilling out.

 

“It's alright... Despite everything, I can't let go of you either.”

 

Ren shuddered, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. It felt as though the Light and Dark were clawing at him again, which when looking at the situation, it wasn't that far of a reach. Hux was the Dark, he encompassed it so beautifully, and his family, the Republic they were everything the Light stood for. He'd made his peace with the force, that conflict was over. But he was still living this one, and he knew he wouldn't be able to find the grey area this time. There was no middle-ground, it was one side or another.

 

“I don't know what to do with you.” Hux admitted. But Ren knew what he could do. It was the only thing he was good for.

 

“Use me.” Ren said as he put a hand on Hux's knee. “Just use me, I'm yours I swear, take me, I'll be good for you, I'll be whatever you need me to be, _please_ Hux.”

 

It didn't matter that his head was fuzzy and warm from the alcohol, that they were both drunk, that they were lonely and falling apart and that they were going to be the end of one another, Ren knew this was the only thing he could offer to make it better. And he wanted it, he wanted it so much it ached, to just be useful, to do something good, something that might fix things, make Hux love him again.

 

“Ren-”

  
  
“ _Please_.”

 

Hux sighed, sliding his hands into Ren's hair. Several expressions crossed his face: confusion, bewilderment, desire. Ren moved forward just so that their noses bumped against each other, and he could see the way Hux's eyes flickered from his eyes to his lips. For a moment nothing happened, and then when Hux looked back up to Ren's eyes, Ren leaned forward and kissed him. They moved slowly, warmed by the fire and the alcohol as Hux slid further down the sofa, whilst Ren leant down and deepened their kiss. He took Hux's bottom lip between his teeth and sucked gently, feeling, rather than hearing the soft moan Hux made in response. He tried to pull away, so that he could start pressing kisses down his jaw and along his throat, but as he started to shift, Hux held him in place, kissing him more desperately. Ren took the hint and stayed at Hux's mouth, all the while Hux consistently tugged at his hair, slowly rolling his hips up to meet Ren's in a steady rhythm, whilst he clenched his thighs around Ren's waist.

 

“Ren...” He chanted as he broke their kiss, noses bumping and foreheads touching. “Yes, just like that, good...”

 

Ren whined and tried to kiss him again, which Hux allowed for a few seconds before he pulled back once more, smiling as Ren attempted to chase his mouth.

 

“I want you to go upstairs and prepare yourself. Can you do that?”

 

Ren blinked at him slowly before nodding, realising he'd been asked a question. Hux pushed lightly at him and Ren took the hint to stand up. His muscles were stiff from lack of use but he didn't bother to stretch them, instead walking over towards the staircase immediately. He turned around to check Hux was still there and found him still stood by the sofa, watching Ren with a smile.

 

“I'll be there shortly, I have to feed Millie. But I want you ready for me by the time I'm done. And you want to be good for me, don't you?”

 

It was embarrassing how quickly he nodded in reply.

 

“I won't be long.” Hux promised, before picking Millie up from in front of the fire and carrying her into the kitchen, cooing softly at her.

 

Not wanting to waste another moment, Ren bounded up the stairs and headed straight for the shower in the bathroom so he could begin preparing himself for Hux. He could feel the rational part of him try to reason with him, to think this through, but he did his best to ignore it and focus on getting ready, knowing that the physical sensations would help draw his mind away from any miserable thoughts.

 

He made sure he was thoroughly cleaned before heading back into Hux's room to start opening himself up. He grabbed the lube from Hux's bedside drawer (and noticed the force stone tucked away at the back) and laid back on the sheets, popping the cap and letting his fingers be coated in the thick gel. The nagging voice in his mind warned him that this wasn't the answer to their problems, but it soon went away as he slipped a finger inside himself.

 

By the time Hux returned, Ren had managed to work three fingers inside him and was on his hands and knees with his ass in the air. He could hear Hux's small gasp from the doorway, followed by a pleasant hum. Ren didn't move his head, since Hux hadn't told him to, but he could hear as he approached, as well as the soft rustle of fabric dropping to the floor. “Are you ready?” Hux asked from somewhere behind him. Ren nodded, unsure if he was allowed to speak, and not knowing what he'd say even if he could that wouldn't make him feel stupid. He felt the mattress dip behind him, and suddenly there were hands on his ass, spreading him apart. He felt a flush crawl up his cheeks at being so openly on display, almost worried that Hux would decree him not good enough, even though he was well acquainted with him by now.

 

“Good... Did you wish it was me Kylo? Did you push yourself to the edge thinking about what I'd do to you?”

 

Ren, much to his credit, didn't make a sound, but the force of which he had to bite his lip to keep quiet made his whole body begin to tremble. He felt Hux run a hand over his back and tut gently, sliding back down to squeeze at his ass. “Don't hold out on me Kylo, let me hear you. Be good for me.”

 

He almost despised himself for how needy his following whine was, but it was overridden by the need to be good. _I can do that_ , he thought as he pushed back into Hux's hand, _I can be good for you I swear._

 

“That's it... Such a pretty thing and all mine. You're _mine_ Kylo.”

 

“Yes...” He breathed, “Yours.”

 

“Good boy, you're doing so well. You're stunning like this, it's such a shame I can't see your pretty face. Turn around, lie on your back for me, let me see you.”

 

Ren didn't have to be told twice, almost scrambling to get into position. He caught sight of Hux for the first time since he'd entered the bedroom and found himself unable to do anything else but stare. He'd stripped himself naked as Ren had suspected, but unlike all their other times since Ren had arrived, Hux looked so confident and assured of himself. It was clearly he knew exactly what he wanted, how he wanted Ren to act, and at the thought of being under the man's commands again, his cock ached with want.

 

Hux smiled at him like he was the most divine creature he'd ever seen and crawled in-between his legs, so he could lean down and kiss him like before. “Perfect...” He whispered against his lips, and Ren felt himself shiver with anticipation. Hux kissed him again and Ren let himself sink back into the pillows as Hux pressed him down into the mattress, lips never leaving his. He hissed when their cocks brushed against each other and Hux shushed him, sitting back on his heels and reaching over to grab the bottle of lube Ren had left to one side.

 

“Do you want this?” He asked as he started to slick himself up, not breaking eye-contact with him. Ren just moaned and nodded, fisting his hands in the duvet.

 

“Oh, you do? Then tell me.”

 

“I want this.” Ren breathed, feeling desperation leak into his voice. “I want _you_.”

 

“More.”

 

“Please Hux!” He cried out, relieved when Hux moved closer to him again and put his leg over his shoulder, lining himself up. But he refused to push in and Ren let out a frustrated noise.

 

“Beg me.” Hux said, and Ren was about to start when Hux interrupted him. “For forgiveness. For everything you've done. Beg me.”

 

 _Oh_.

 

He could do that.

 

“I'm sorry,” he started, reaching up to cradle the back of Hux's head and pull him down so their faces were almost touching, almost bending himself in half, “I'm so sorry I didn't mean to do this to you, I just wanted to keep you for myself, I'm sorry please forgive me, I'll be so good, I'll be whatever you want me to be, please Hux _please_ -”

 

“Yes...” Hux gasped, and he finally began to push in, the intensity of Ren's pleas shaking him deeply. “I forgive you.”

 

Ren moaned, letting his head fall back as Hux full seated himself inside him. He could feel the rush inside of him at Hux's words, as though they were an energy finally restoring life back to him, like he'd been living in some sort of trance up until that moment. Slowly Hux started to pull back out and thrust in again in shallow, short movements that felt so unbelievably good. Ren wanted nothing more to just lay there and let Hux take him, use him up and make him feel like he had some sort of purpose, even if it was just to be fucked.

 

He almost felt like he was floating free from his body, but when Hux leant down to wrap a hand around his cock, he was brought back to himself immediately.

 

“Stay with me.” Hux whispered, thrusting into him harder. “Don't leave me again, stay here. We can work things out, but please, oh stars Ren you can't leave me again.”

 

Ren heard himself sob trying to grab at any part of Hux he could.

 

“Kylo-”

 

“I'll stay.” He found himself saying, the words sounding almost too good to be true. “I'll stay, I won't leave.”

 

It was Hux's turn to sob, as he began driving into him with reckless abandon before he suddenly stilled, gasping as he came. The sight alone was enough to drive Ren to his own release, crying out Hux's name. He felt like he was out of his body again, like he'd died and become one with the force, finally at peace. When he gained enough of his senses to realise what was happening around him, Hux had already pulled out and had procured an old towel which he was currently using to wipe them both down. How Hux still had any ounce of energy left he wasn't sure, since Ren found himself struggling to keep his eyes open – a combination of the sex they'd just had as well as the alcohol from before. He forced himself to stay awake a little longer as Hux disposed of the towel and pulled the covers down so they could slip under them. As Hux's arms slipped around him he found himself unable to keep his eyes open for another moment, and before he could even think about the consequences of what he'd agreed to only five minutes previous, he'd fallen fast asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly i'm so glad to have this part uploaded, it's one less wip to go
> 
> heads up that i'm currently participating in angst november so if that's your thing! i'm posting stuff!
> 
> as always you can find me at [skywalkeraesthetics](http://www.skywalkeraesthetics.tumblr.com)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no warnings for this chapter

Peace fell over the house the following morning. The storm had passed, both figuratively and literally, and it was as though everything had fallen back into place. When Ren had awoken he'd heard Hux cooing at Millie downstairs, as well as the unmistakable cluttering of one of Hux's little engineering projects. Ren was glad for the noise, knowing that Hux was finally content with him being around again and that things were going to return to normalcy – or at least whatever norm they'd tried to build for themselves. In light of the good atmosphere hanging over the house, Ren took a leisurely shower after getting himself out of bed. The warm water was a wonder for clearing the last remnants of sleep from his head, as well as providing some ease to the headache he had, no doubt from what they'd been drinking last night.

 

The memories of the previous night seemed to swirl around his head just out of focus, the specifics of what had been said slipping out of his grasp. But he didn't let that worry him, given the relaxed mood in the house. He was sure that the memories would clear up later after he'd eaten and woken up more. With those worries put to rest he finished his shower and dressed himself, before heading downstairs to see what Hux was tinkering about with. Millie's purring could be heard from halfway down the stairs, and Ren found it stirred something warm within his chest. When he entered the room he found her rubbing against Hux's legs as he was attaching a panel to his latest invention. Ren couldn't say for certain what it was, but he was impressed nonetheless – it certainly looked well made.

 

He sat himself down next to Hux on the sofa, and when Hux turned to greet him 'good morning', Ren kissed him before he could get the words out. He was pleased when Hux kissed him back just as sweetly, it reminded him of the first time they'd kissed after they admitted to caring for one another. It was soft, almost shy, and Ren had known that what he was feeling was unlikely to ever fade. Hux pulled away after a while, looking at him in surprise. “Good morning...” He said breathlessly, at last. From this close, Ren could see the freckles dotted all over his skin, which idly he realised must have come out after the day of gardening in the sun. It made him look more vulnerable somehow, although Ren couldn't say why. He nodded back at Hux in reply, eyes glancing towards the small machine in Hux's hands. Hux followed his gaze and placed the device on the small table in front of them.

 

“Just something to keep me busy.” He said in way of explanation, and Ren sensed he was embarrassed by it, feeling as though it was the only thing that gave him some worth. Ren wanted to protest otherwise but knew Hux wouldn't appreciate him looking at his thoughts, and Ren doubted he could properly convince him otherwise, being headstrong person that Hux was. Instead, Ren tried a different approach, wrapping his arms around him and nuzzling against his neck. He could hear Hux huff in resignation, but Ren could tell he was secretly happy with the attention. “Have you eaten yet?” Ren asked quietly, pressing small kisses to any skin he could reach. “Not yet,” Hux replied, and Ren felt him relax with his administrations, “am I to presume you're using your usual brand of subtly?”

 

Ren nipped at his neck at the teasing comment, warmth curling in his stomach when he heard Hux laugh. He couldn't help but realise that for the first time in so long, he felt like he was at home, that he was finally somewhere he belonged. Of course at the time he'd felt like he was in the right place with his knights and Snoke, but that time had long since passed, and with it had come the realisation that a lot of what he'd felt from being with Snoke had been Snoke's own design, that his memories and feelings had been manipulated and influenced since he was young. But now, after it all, there was finally a place in the galaxy for him. Never would he have guessed it would be such a quiet and secluded place, but things always did work themselves out in strange ways in his family.

 

“Alright then you ridiculous brute I'll go make food with you, before you decide to eat me instead.” Hux drawled, humour evident in his voice. Ren pulled back to grin wickedly at him, sliding one of his hands slowly up Hux's thigh. “You'd love for me to eat you up...” He murmured, revelling in the way Hux swallowed and a blush began to bloom over his cheeks. He could have pushed it further but Ren decided to show mercy, knowing that there'd be plenty of time for that later, and instead stood up and sauntered into the kitchen, letting Hux trail behind him.

 

Ren started picking out a selection of ingredients before Hux could suggest anything otherwise, although he seemed perfectly content to lean against the counter and watch on. Millicent had padded in after them and had convinced Hux to pick her up and hold her in his arms. It was incredibly domestic Ren thought, the three of them like this, spending a quiet morning together. Ren could almost imagine the rest of their lives like this, the thought of which made something prickle at the back of his mind but he couldn't work out why. It felt as though it was something important that he was missing yet whatever it was refused to make itself clear. No matter, he thought as he continued to prepare food for the both of them, if it was truly important it would come to him eventually.

 

“Somehow I don't think I'll ever get used to seeing you cooking.” Hux said offhandedly as he continued to pet Millicent, rubbing behind her ears. Ren shrugged, peeling the skin off of some fruit and placing the segments into a bowl. “It seemed simple enough,” he said, recalling how he used to watch his parents and droids cook when he was a young boy. “It was necessary to know for missions, in case of unforeseen circumstances where we'd run out of rations.”

 

Cooking in the wilderness of unknown planets lacked the usual finesse that most normal cooking contained, but learning how to do it had certainly been useful. Besides, he couldn't deny that it filled him with satisfaction when he managed to cook something that tasted good. Neither him nor Hux usually cared for such frivolities – as long as it satisfied the hunger and contained something of nutritional value then that was good enough – but being able to make something that others enjoyed certainly had its perks.

 

“The novelty will wear off in time, I'm sure. It would be hard not to when you'll be here all the time.”

 

Ren paused. That wasn't right, Hux knew he couldn't be here all the time. It didn't make sense for him to say such a thing.

 

That was when it hit him, the memories that had been blurry up until then, all the promises he'd made the night before, why the idea of them spending the rest of their lives together hadn't sat quite right in his head.

 

A horrible, bitter sensation crawled up his throat as he realised that he couldn't keep those promises. And that he was going to hurt Hux all over again, one way or another.

 

In the midst of his realisation he'd stopped cutting up the fruit, which had caught Hux's attention. “Kylo?” He inquired, putting Millie back on the floor again and brushing the stray cat hair from his jumper, “is everything alright?”

 

Ren put the knife down and stared at the chopping board, eyes squeezed shut. He knew he had to tell Hux that he couldn't stay, that he'd have to leave. The only other alternative was keeping it to himself and then disappearing in the middle of the night, which could not possibly end well. If he did that he might as well be dead to Hux, for he knew he'd never be allowed back here. But Hux could be reasoned with, maybe he would understand, if they could talk it through. He knew Hux resented him leaving, but surely he'd have to understand that it just wasn't possible for him to stay, as much as he wanted to, as much as this place was his home and his sanctuary and his peace, he had to go back to his family. They'd lost him for so long, and as much as he loved Hux, he loved his mother too; she'd lost her husband and her son, if he vanished once more she'd tear apart the galaxy to find him again.

 

“Last night. I shouldn't have said what I did. I'm sorry.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“Hux...” Ren pleaded, finally opening his eyes and looking at him. Hux looked confused at first, no idea what had happened to cause this sudden change of mood, but the answer soon became clear enough when he realised what Ren was referring to, and Ren could tell when he'd worked it out when his eyes darkened and he went very rigid, like a cornered animal trying to work out what options it had.

 

“I'm sorry-”

 

“Don't you dare.”

 

“Hux please listen to me-”

 

“No. You've made your point very clear. We're done here.”

 

Hux strode past him, his hands curled into fists by his sides. Ren scrambled after him, the adrenaline fuelled panic being to kick in. Hux was halfway up the stairs before he finally turned around to face Ren, who had been repeating his name over and over.

 

“We're done here Ren. You want to go home, so fine go home, but if you ever dare come back to this back-water wasteland of a planet then I'll kill you myself.”

 

“You know I have to go back, they'd get suspicious if I suddenly vanished! You don't think that I'd stay here if I could? No matter? I hate that I'm torn between you both, I hate that all my life has consisted of being being pulled in two directions!”

 

“Oh please, spare me the tragedy,” Hux spat, “if its that difficult then leave, go back to your adoring family, have a happy life!”

 

Hux had turned back to march further up the stairs but Ren reached out and grabbed his arms before he could get any further. Hux whipped around and yanked his arm back with fury in his gaze, but Ren spoke up again before he Hux could get a word in.

 

“Even if I could stay, I'd still have to leave to collect my things.”

 

“Why? Why do you get to keep your memories?” Hux shouted, and Ren could see how he was trying so desperately to not tremble. “You took everything away from me, you took Phasma, the only friend I had, you took my ship, my crew and my freedom. You left me with nothing!”

 

He was breathing hard. A red flush had crawled up his neck in his anger. For the most part he was right, Ren couldn't deny. But-

 

“That's not true. You know it isn't.”

 

The answer herself made herself known by padding up the stairs and rubbing against Hux's legs and meowing softly, as though she could tell something was wrong with the two men. Hux picked her up and held her protectively in his arms, as though he thought Ren would change his mind and take her away too. It stung bitterly, to know Hux thought him capable of that, after everything he'd risked to save her, as well as him.

 

“Hux-” He tried again, in a desperate attempt to keep things together, “I'd have to go, no matter what. They'd miss me, I can't leave them again.”  
  
“Oh that must be nice, having people miss you.”

 

“Will you stop being obnoxious and arrogant for one fucking second and listen to me!”

 

He regretted it the moment he said it, but it was too late to take it back. For a moment he thought Hux was going to slap him, judging by the look of sheer hatred on his face. But then a second later he'd schooled his features into a blank, hollow stare and hugged Millie closer to his chest. “Just go.” He said quietly, before turning around and walking up the rest of the stairs, without letting Kylo say another word. Kylo stood there with no idea what to do. He heard the sound of the bedroom door aggressively slam shut, which made him reluctantly turn around and sit back on the sofa in the main room, unable to focus on anything, let alone what he was supposed to do next.

 

For the next two hours he stayed in the same position, attempting to meditate but not fully getting there. Maybe Hux would come back down and they could talk this out properly and come up with a better plan. But after the hours began to pass it was clear that Hux wanted nothing to do with him, and was unlikely to make his presence known again whilst Ren was still around. With little else to do, and with his mind running on auto-pilot, Ren decided to leave, heading out to the shuttle in the woods. Maybe a conversation with his mother would set his head, and his heart right. Maybe without realising, she'd help him come to a decision. He wished he could tell her the whole situation, but that was something he'd have to live with. He was shamefully adept at hiding things from her now.

 

*

 

When his comm request was answered, he was surprised to see that it wasn't his mother that answered.

 

“Rey?”

 

“Hello Ben.”

 

“Where's mom?” He was sure the surprise on his face was evident but he couldn't bring himself to care. He felt especially out of sorts, and suddenly didn't know how to feel since he'd prepared himself for a conversation with his mother. The strange ache inside him felt hollow, and he couldn't tell if it was disappointment, or just a longing to be told someone loved him. It was embarrassing really, how much he felt like a child still.

 

“Called away to some senator meeting, she sends her apologies. We weren't sure when you'd contact us next, but I said I'd answer if you did.”

 

Her statement was oddly reassuring, made him feel as though somebody other than his mother gave a damn about him. He still never quite knew how to act around her after all this time, unable to shake off their fight in the snow, stuck with the physical reminders but now in a place where they could talk to each other without any true hostility. She'd never forgiven him for what he'd done to everyone, which he couldn't really blame her for, but she accepted that he'd come back to them, he'd seen all the things he'd done and turned away. She respected that he was trying, and in turn Ren respected that she was giving him a chance to rebuild his life. The familiar tie of cousin seemed to hang strangely over them, at times fitting well and others seeming like such a far away concept it was a wonder anyone could have come up with it.

 

“Is everything alright?” She said, after he didn't reply.

 

“I'm fine. It's good to hear from you.”

 

“I don't believe you.”

 

“I mean it. It is good.” He paused again, hating how awkward he sounded. He was being truthful, but after all this time he still hadn't worked out how to talk to her again. Too many things had happened and changed between them. “How are things?” He tried again, trying to put some effort into the conversation. She gave him a look that said she wasn't quite done with her questions into his well-being, but would put it to one side for now.

 

“They're good. Its quiet back here for once, I think the galaxy decided to take a breather. Is it as peaceful where you are?”

 

Ren tried not to wince.

 

“Mmm... Have you been training much? Or has Luke given you time off?”

 

“He's gone with Leia actually, its just the rest of us left here. I've been able to see more of Jess though, but Luke's usually very considerate about that anyway.”

 

Ren nodded and let her continue on about how her girlfriend was and about the lives of everyone else back on base. Even though Ren didn't care all that much for the rest of them, it was soothing to hear her talk about it. For a while he nodded along and contributed minimally whenever he was supposed to, but once Rey had him caught up, she turned back to her original question.

 

“So c'mon, tell me. What's wrong?”

 

Ren sighed, knowing she wouldn't stop until he gave in.

 

“I'd rather not say.”

 

“Alright, so don't. But at least tell me what you're feeling, what's going on in your head. Talk it through, you don't have to give me specifics, but give me a starting point.”

 

It still wasn't something he wanted to do, but failing to tell her couldn't result in anything good. If his mother found out something wasn't right with him she'd stop at nothing to find him and make sure he was okay, lest another figure like Snoke was slipping into his head again. But maybe he could work this to his advantage – after all he had come to get some subtle advice. Maybe Rey would put a different perspective on things.

 

“There's two different directions that I'm presented with right now and I... I don't know how to choose between them.”

 

“Okay, well what's drawing you away from a decision?”

 

“You're not going to ask if its like last time? That you don't trust me and want me to come back?”

 

Rey looked offended over the hologram and scoffed.

 

“Trust is a two way street. After our last mission together I thought you'd started to invest some trust in me, but I see you're still doubting my intentions. Look Ben, if I didn't trust you I would have already ended this and gone to Leia, but I haven't. I know you're not in that place again, alright? Now tell me what's wrong.”

 

She did have a point. At least she had some semblance of trust in him. Or maybe she just trusted in others to keep him in line so he wouldn't stray again. Or maybe he wasn't giving her enough credit.

 

“Its about coming back. I know that most people back on base don't trust me, and I'm not... I don't blame them for it, I don't but I can't... Where I am right now, I like it here. Its peaceful and it gives me a purpose and I think I do good here.”

 

He cut himself off with a sigh and clenched his fists by his sides, trying to hold back any mention of Hux and generally getting annoyed that he could never say what he wanted to, that he could never find the words.

 

“I want to stay... For longer. I really want to stay.”

 

“Permanently?”

 

“No.”

 

Rey nodded thoughtfully and went quiet for a few moments, something that didn't help Ren's worries. But he tried to keep his thoughts clear, since being agitated and panicked would only make him look more suspicious. After a while she sighed and it was clear she'd come to a decision.

 

“You've always come back from your trips with a clear mind and I know anyone would attest to that. I don't see why it'd be a problem for you to make them longer if they have such a good impact on you. We only want what's best for you, I hope you know that.”

 

He didn't smile, but Ren could feel the hope swell within him at her words. He couldn't get his thanks in before she spoke again.

 

“Ben, I know you think everyone is still holding a grudge against you and that we have no semblance of trust in you. But give us more credit than that, its been over two years since you came back to us. Stars, we just returned from healing an entire village of people. We've put our trust into you long ago and you've already shown that wasn't misplaced. Now its time for you to put some trust in us too.”

 

It made sense, the more he thought it through. Despite the fact that he had misplace their trust by keeping Hux a secret, it wasn't as though he was plotting anything with him, and he'd taken measures to make sure Hux couldn't cause any more harm to the galaxy every again. Rey was right; he wasn't Kylo Ren anymore, and whilst he might not be Ben Solo, he was better. And it was a discredit to his family to presume they thought otherwise, especially his mother.

 

“Okay.” He spoke softly, and Rey perked up over the hologram seeing that she'd gotten through to him. He ended up smiling back, despite his best efforts.

 

“Now,” she said, with a warmth in her eyes, “let's discuss logistics.”

 

*

 

The house was quiet when he returned. Had he not been able to feel Hux through the force, he would have presumed the place abandoned, since the fireplace was empty and every room seemed devoid of life. He knew he needed to coax Hux from his room to talk to him about what he'd discussed with Rey, but he knew far too well how stubborn Hux could be when he wanted to, and right now he was upset and pissed off which was never a good combination. The best thing he could think to do was to give some sort of peace offering. And since it was getting late and he knew that Millicent would be holed up in their with Hux, getting some food for the both of them seemed like the best plan of action. He put Millie's food in her bowl and gathered together some snacks for Hux, putting everything on a tray before taking it upstairs. He gently knocked on the door, and then louder when there was no answer. But he could hear shuffling from within and knew Hux was simply ignoring him. It stung, but at least he'd knew whatever he said would be heard, even if there was no reply.

 

“Hux... Listen, I know you're angry with me. I'm not here to give a pity speech, but I've brought you and Millie some food if you want it. I'll leave it outside the door, but I have to tell you something first.”

 

Hux's mental blocks were up strong, so there was no way to tell if he was listening. But Ren knew this was the only time he'd be able to have this conversation, if they met face to face again it wouldn't happen, and he might as well say his peace whilst he still had some adrenaline left in him.

 

“I know I've hurt you. I'd apologise but I know you won't let me, so I'm going to make up for it. No more uncertainty. Tomorrow I'm getting on my ship and I'm meeting Rey on a trading outpost. She's bringing my belongings. And when I have them, I'm either going to come here and stay, or I'll go find peace elsewhere and leave you to your own. I'll never bother you again.”

 

There was still no movement from inside the room and Ren forced himself to keep going, even though his nerves were screaming at him.

 

“It's your choice Hux,” he spoke softly, his hand coming up to caress the grooves within the door, “I see now that I've played and manipulated your life for my own selfish reasons. I understand that now, and I'm sorry. So... This decision is yours, I'm not going to try convince you either way. I'll... I'll leave you to think about it.”

 

All was still silent from within the bedroom and drawing on strength from within, Ren forced himself to place the tray down and turn away from the door, to head back downstairs. Although he felt nervous and empty, he also found himself thankful again that he'd managed to talk with Rey. His mind felt so much clearer, knowing that his family were happy to grant him freedom. He realised that he'd spent this entire trip trying to get into Hux's good books and for what? Hux had clearly proven he could take care of himself. If Ren's presence was only causing him hurt then Ren knew it was time for him to step back. Perhaps finding a new planet to settle on would help him find balance again. Either way, now that the decision was in Hux's hands he felt a weight lifted from him.

 

Knowing that he would be sleeping downstairs that night, he gathered some blankets to drape over himself on the sofa and made a small meal from the leftover ingredients to satiate his hunger. He could hear movement from upstairs and for a moment wondered if he should go back up, if not for conversation to at least bring the tray back down, but thought better against it. Hux needed to be alone and Ren didn't want to put him anymore on edge than he already was. And with that thought he tucked himself up in his blankets, relighting the fire with the force, and let himself slowly drift to sleep, wondering if it would be the last night he ever spent there.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh wow i am so so sorry i realise it has been absolutely months since i updated. uni was kinda a big deal and my mental health declined rather rapidly so i've been trying to get better. that coupled with falling out of the sw fandom has been a bit Shit ngl but hey, i'm back and determined to finish this
> 
> thank you so much to everyone who's stuck around so far and left comments, you've kept me going honestly <3333
> 
> i've already started on the next chapter so that should be up soon, and not a 7 month gap lmao
> 
> thank you all so much <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no warnings for this chapter

Morning came. When he awoke it felt as though this would be his last time waking up in this place, despite having not heard Hux's decision yet. Nevertheless, as he left the sofa he took his time to walk around the house, committing it all to memory in case he wouldn't get to see it again. For a house in the middle of nowhere it was particularly lovely he had to admit. The perfect place to settle down in. He made himself stop when he caught himself stroking the spines the books on the shelves; he was getting too sentimental. And he knew that he was just delaying the inevitable as he avoided the door to the main bedroom. The sooner he knew, the better. He took a moment to collect himself and take a deep breath, before he headed upstairs. He knocked on the door but received no answer, although he couldn't say he was surprised. But when he tried for the door handle he was surprised to find it unlocked. What was more of a surprise was that the bedroom was empty bar Millicent, who was laid elegantly at the bottom of the bed, purring happily. This certainly wasn't what he'd been expecting. For a moment he wondered if Hux had taken his ship and left but he dismissed the idea almost immediately – Millicent was still here and the ship codes were only known to Kylo. He must have taken a walk, Ren decided, although Ren wished he could have just given him his answer before leaving, since his nerves were already tender and now they were being strung out for longer. But there was little he could do about it, and so with a lack of anything else to do, he decided to pack his things and take them back to the ship in case Hux's answer was 'leave'.

 

The sky was grey as usual when he stepped outside, nothing but clouds as far as the eye could see. The wind was more timid than usual, but still strong enough to move the tall grass and sway the branches of the trees, making the entrance to the woods come to life as though it was gently beckoning him inside to safety. Ren felt glad suddenly, that he'd gotten to experience this place for as long as he had. Despite the quietness of the planet it truly felt alive and it had moulded to his use of the Force. He could see why he'd been guided here those years ago; there had finally been somewhere he'd been allowed to feel true peace.

 

It didn't take long to pack everything away in the ship – he never brought much in the first place. He'd always wondered how people could hold sentimental value over so many things, to have their entire existence compressed into objects. When he was little he'd been fond of things of course, little figures, a stuffed doll Chewie had made for him amongst other possessions. But now it all seemed so trivial, he needed only the Force to guide him. Then again he supposed that was a result of his upbringing, more Snoke's influence than Luke's. When he'd become Kylo Ren he'd been encouraged to sever any and all ties to his past life. He'd learnt how to live without indulgences, and whilst he was free from Snoke's grasp now, he still found himself living his life through the same asceticism.

 

He took his time walking back, letting his mind wander as he ventured back through the woods and across the field. Hux was sitting on the steps by the back-door as he returned, looking thoroughly exhausted. Ren didn't say anything, just sat down next to him and looked back out over the landscape. They remained in silence for a while, listening to the wind and simply allowing themselves to be in the others company.

 

“I tried to do some of your meditating,” Hux said after a while, still looking straight ahead, “hoped that it would make everything easier and clear my head. What a load of utter shite.”

 

Ren chuckled. Hux continued to look forwards but Ren could see the barest hint of a smile on his face. The moment of humour passed and the weariness of the situation lay over them again.

 

“It has come to my attention,” Hux began, “that we have both said some regrettable things to each other over the past few days. I'm sure we can sit here and express our grief at what's been said but quite frankly I don't have the energy. I'm tired of fighting Kylo. And I am aware we need to have a conversation, but I need it to be done without yelling. Just for once. I can't keep doing this.”

 

Ren nodded. He was tired of fighting too.  
  
“I know that I've expected a lot of you,” Kylo said, “without considering what that was doing to you. I've been selfish Hux.”

 

“So have I. I wanted things from you but didn't know what. Truthfully, I still don't know what I want... You're right that I can live here by myself. Millicent and I, we can manage just fine. But its unbearably lonely without you.”

 

A breeze swept through, eliciting shivers from both men. Hux still hadn't turned to look towards him yet, but with the sudden chill he shuffled over to lean against him. Ren almost wanted to look into his mind to see whether his intentions consisted of something other than seeking warmth, but he didn't dare ruin the moment.

 

“I never thought I'd need people to keep me company. But then I met Phasma and later you came along and both of you seemed to understand how I worked without questioning it or expecting anything from me. And now there's only you left and as much as it embarrasses me to say, I'll be miserable without you.”

 

Without hesitation Ren put his arm around Hux, letting him lean further into him. “For what its worth,” Ren said, “I'm sorry about Phasma. I know how much she meant to you.”

 

Hux shrugged, trying to be nonchalant, but Ren could feel how much her loss had affected him; losing her had been losing a part of himself.

 

“I like it here,” Hux continued, refusing to let himself be overwhelmed with grief, “its comfortable, peaceful, and I have things to occupy myself with. You want me to decide whether I want your company indefinitely? I do. But every time I think about it I remember the nights when I saw you at your worst, back on the Finalizer. I saw you when being His apprentice was too much for you to cope with, when it was clear that all you wanted was to run back into your mothers arms. And now you have that comfort back and it would cruel of me to demand you step away from that again. I'm a cruel man Kylo but I don't have the energy left to make demands of you anymore. Yes, I want you here. But if you stayed you'd have to stay permanently. I think we could have a life here. A dull, boring life, but one we'd have with each other.”

 

There was a lot of truth to Hux's words that Ren couldn't deny. He remembered those nights Hux spoke of, how he'd been at such a loss, upset and angry with himself, with the galaxy, and just wanted things to be simple like they used to be. As he mulled over his situation, Hux shifted so that he was fully leant against him, eyes shut, listening to the sound of the wind around them. Time seemed to pass indefinitely before Ren spoke again.

 

“I know you can manage here by yourself. I know you'd be at peace and I want that for you more than anything. But I can't help but want a life with you as well, I want to wake up and have you there in the mornings, I want to cook for you and play with Millicent, I want every stupid mundane aspect of a dull life with you. But I know what we're like, we'll still argue with each other and I don't know whether in the long run it will be worth it, whether it will do you any good. I've done enough damage to you that I can't let myself do anymore.”

 

Hux hummed quietly, moving to sit up straight so they could look at each other again.

 

“We can pick apart the flaws of each option until the end of days but that is time we do not have. You know as well as I do that a decision has to be made.” He said, and Ren could see how exhausted he was. “So, are you going to stay? Or are you going to go home?”

 

The wind quietened down around them. Ren took a deep breath as he concentrated on the Force, letting it pass through him, calming him and clearing his head.

 

He knew what his answer was.

 

*

 

“Is that everything?”

 

“That's it, I double checked before I left.”

 

Trading posts in the Outer Rim were never the most scenic of places, but out of the ones he'd visited, Kylo figured this one wasn't too bad. For one there was actual greenery around, which helped to make the place seem less dubious. Naturally there was still illegal dealings surrounding the two of them but that wasn't any of his business. Rey, however, was.

 

“How did mom take it?”

 

“Better than you'd think. She expects a comm at some point but she thinks its good for you to find yourself again. And Luke agreed too.”

 

It was reassuring to hear. Luke had always had a surprising amount of faith in him, it was nice to know that despite everything that faith hadn't waned too much. His mother's reaction was somewhat surprising, but Ren knew that she'd wanted him to have a peaceful life since he was born. Now he was going to have that chance, and he could see why she'd agree to letting him go like this, to connect with the force and just let himself be. Not for the last time he thanked himself for finding his way back to her. Once, when he was a child, she'd told him that even if they were apart, he would be able to find her through the force, that she would be a bright light always there to guide him home. She'd never know how true that had been.

 

“Thank you, for doing this. I'm sorry for any inconvenience-”

 

“Ben its fine, really. We're family, remember? But if you feel so indebted then I guess you owe me one.” Rey said with a smile as she handed over the last of his bags. He smiled back and the two stood looking at each other for a moment, feeling as though there was something they should say to each other, but at a loss for what. The moment passed as the shout of a nearby visitor reminded them of where they were.

 

“I should get going.” He said, looking behind him. His ship wasn't too far away, in a docking bay which he'd secured with the Force just in case. Rey nodded, understanding this was their goodbye. She extended her arm out to shake hands in a way that reminded Ren of when she was a child, the first time they'd met at the Temple. He took her hand and shook it, realising as she let go just how much he was going to miss her.

 

“May the force be with you.” Ren said, and for the first time in his life he meant it.

 

“And you cousin.” She replied, giving him one last smile before she turned away and walked away through the crowd back to her own ship. Ren watched her until she was no longer visible before heading back to his own hanger, with his entire life bundled up in the few bags he was carrying.

 

Back at the ship he dumped the bags in the hold and went to sit in the cockpit, staring out at the hanger before him. It was strange to think that this was it, his path was chosen for him and it had been a path he had ultimately chosen himself. There was so much uncertainty for the future and yet despite not knowing what would happen, he didn't feel worried about it; whatever happened would happen and the force would guide him. There was no Light or Dark pulling him in either direction, there was just the Force, and it was up to him to keep the balance within himself.

 

A hand on his shoulder brought him out of his thoughts and he gave a reassuring glance to Hux.

 

“Did it go okay.”

 

“All fine. Did anyone spot you?”

 

Hux scoffed. “Of course not, I've been in the ships quarters the entire time. I can assure you, a trading outpost in the far stretches of the Outer Rim is not enough to pique my interest, no matter how out of touch I've been from the rest of the galaxy.”

 

Ren took Hux's hand from his shoulder and kissed it in lieu of an apology. Hux rolled his eyes in disinterest, but the faint blush on his cheeks gave away how he really felt. As he got himself comfortable in the co-pilot chair, Ren put the coordinates back to Illam into the hyper-drive computer. He glanced over at Hux when he was done, who was looking at the ships data, unaware that he was being watched. _Are you sure this is the right choice?_ The small voice of Ben Solo whispered in the back of Kylo's head.

 

_No_ , Kylo thought, fondness blooming in his chest as Hux looked back at him, _but its my choice_.

 

“Are we ready?” Hux asked and Kylo nodded.

 

“Home?” Ren asked, and the look he saw on Hux's face made Kylo realise that this was worth it.

 

“Home.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is it!!! we finally made it!!! thank you so so much to everyone who's read this and helped me keep going, i would not have finished this without you all <333
> 
> finishing this has made me want to write more again so i'm hoping to keep going and write some smaller pieces bc this was quite the challenge!
> 
> thank you all once again, ily!!!

**Author's Note:**

> please leave comments!!!
> 
>  
> 
> also you can find me at [mermaidtechie](http://mermaidtechie.tumblr.com)


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